Der Kaiser's Ramblings
by erbkaiser
Summary: This is a kind of repository for story ideas, drabbles, and one-shots that are too short to warrant their own spot on this site. Rated M now for some bad jokes and possible risque material. All stories are in the Potterverse.
1. Caveat lector

A/N: This document serves to hold short stand-alone chapters, one-shots, which for various reasons cannot be turned into longer stories or are considered _complete_ for other reasons.

Subject matter, length, quality, and rating will inevitably vary.

Unless stated otherwise, each story is to be considered to be standalone and _complete_. If you did not like a chapter, hopefully the following one(s) will be better.

No ownership is implied over any characters or story ideas in these shorts where these were taken from published works. Any original material I must take the credit and blame for.

Some other shorts are not in this collection but are posted as separate stories on my profile, in order of writing they are:

**_The Sorting of 1991_**  
**_Purple and Green_**  
**_Seeing Death Eaters_**  
**_Emma's_ Plan**

I also have a few stories which cannot be posted at this site at HPFFA, see my profile for the link. I will also post versions of shorts there if they contain lemons or otherwise break this site's rules.

Thanks for reading, but remember: _Caveat lector._


	2. Fairy Champions

**Drabble 1**

**Fairy Champions**

Harry and his loves were hiding in one of the Potter homes under _fidelius_ near the Forest of Dean. It was now five years after Emperor Voldemort had taken over all of Britain, Magical and Muggle, and his forces were busy subjugating the Germans (the French had surrendered almost immediately, of course, and France was another province of the Pureblood Empire).

The Ministry had fallen in what would have been Harry's seventh year, and the trio had been on the run since. They had found a single horcrux, but Dumbledore's cryptic clues were no help in finding any others. What, did he expect them to just accidentally find them as they were camping?

Now they were hiding in the middle of nowhere, to escape the roving bands of Snatchers and Aurors that were after Undesirables Number One, Two, and Three.

'Well loves,' Harry said, 'this is it. We haven't been able to find a single one of You-know-who's toys in seven years, and the food is running out.'

'What do you propose honey,' Hermy asked, 'that we perform a suicide pact? I can't face the dementors or worse...'

Suddenly a whimsical music began playing, and birds flew in from the window. On a beam of sunlight came a woman gliding in. She was wearing an ornate pink dress with glittering stars, was wearing a high silver crown, and was holding a long wand with a star on top in her right hand.

In short, she was Glinda the Good Witch, as portrayed in the movie.

'Dread not my dears, for I, Glinda, have come to help!'

'Aren't you supposed to be Lilith the Fairy Queen, or maybe Santa?' asked Hermy.

'Ha, ha, ha! Rubbish! It's all the same my sweety. Now, the world is a mess. This Dark Lord upstart is persecuting the fairies, and this must stop. Since you didn't stop him in time, I will send you back to your fifth year so you can try again.

'I will give you fairy powers, and you can keep all your memories. Now _do_ stop that nasty Tommy Riddle this time!'

She waved her wand, and a sparkly mist surrounded the trio.

They woke up on the Hogwarts lawn. Hogwarts in the 'present' was Voldemort's headquarters, and he once proud castle had been turned into a dark and evil place. But this past Hogwarts was as they remembered it.

Harry looked at his loves and smiled. They were back as their teen-aged selves, when they had first fallen in love. And it looked like Glinda/Lilith had sent gifts back with them!

The Great Hall looked on in shock as the trio entered. Harry was wearing a purple outfit with gold stripes on it of a long vest with buttons and matching buttons, a white shirt under it opened to the third button. Herman Granger was wearing the same, his wild hair tamed by a headband. Completing the trio was Linus Lovegood, wearing much the same, but he was wearing a skirt instead. They all had matching handbags as well when they entered, except for Linus, who was carrying a pink poodle.

The fairy champions had arrived.

* * *

A/N: A parody of course of Paladeus' challenge, and at the same time one of how the media portrays gays. To see the outfit Harry and co are wearing, do a Google image search for 'De Toppers'. Have bleach for your eyes ready.

Please don't kill me.


	3. Soul Bond

**Drabble 2**

**Soul Bond**

'Harry, let's kiss,' said Ginny.

'Okay,' replied Harry, and he embraced the stunningly beautiful red-haired vixen that had suddenly transformed from a background character who could not utter more than two words in his presence, to the Light of his Eyes.

The room lit up with a bright, warm light as the two teenagers kissed. Angels were singing, and the duo swirled around carried by magic.

The watching Gryffindors _aaawed_ at the sight, including Ginny's up-until-now-boyfriend Dean Thomas. Who was he to stand in the way of True Love? And then they saw a black fog rise up from Harry's scar, and disappear with a scream.

'What was that?' asked Harry, still embracing his love.

Dumbledore rushed into the room.

'Harry my boy, great news! Voldemort has been destroyed, and all the Death Eaters have died except for Snape, who was a good guy after all, and Draco of course!'

'What? How did that happen?'

'When you kissed your One True Love, you created a Soul Bond! I did not tell you before, but your scar was a link to Voldemort, and he could not handle the Purity of your love so was killed.

'All the Death Eaters that were evil, and not secretly good such as Snape and Draco, were killed as well as the love spread through their Dark Marks.'

'So we won?'

'Yes my boy, and now you are married to Miss Ginevra –' 'Ginny!' – 'over there. That means you are emancipated, and are now Lord Potter.

'You have one multiplujillion, nine obsquatumatillion, six hundred twenty-three Galleons, twelve Sickles, and two Knuts and own a castle in England, a chateau in France, your own private island in the Bahamas, you own all of Hawaii, and you are also the owner of Selfridges, Harrods, and Fenwick. You also have 49% of Apple Computers, and on the Magical side you own all of the Daily Prophet, the Leaky Cauldron, and the land Hogwarts is built on.

'You're also Lord Gryffindor, Lord Slytherin, Lord Hufflepuff, and Lord Ravenclaw, and the Heir of Merlin.'

'Wow that is a lot to take in,' Harry said, flabbergasted.

Snape rushed in. Despite being described as having sallow skin, a hooked nose, and greasy hair, he now looked like Alan Rickman and all the girls in the room swooned over him.

'Harry my dear boy, finally I can tell you the truth! You see I had an affair with Lily Evans before she got married, and I am your real father.

'I only pretended to hate you because I had to play a role all these years, but now we can live together and be happy!'

'Excuse me Professor, but if Harry is a Snape, why does he still get to be Lord Potter?' asked the spoil-sport, Hermione. She no longer had bushy hair and was no longer plain looking, she now was Sex on Heels itself.

'Never mind that Hermione, my dear mudblood love,' said Draco, as he too rushed in. He was wearing leather pants, and didn't at all look like the rather ratty boy he was described as earlier. Instead he resembled a blonde adonis.

'I have always loved you, Hermione. Let's get married right away.'

'Okay,' Hermione giggled as she embraced her Pureblood lover.

And then the author shot himself.


	4. Advanced Divination

**Drabble 3**

**Advanced Divination**

'Today, class, we'll be starting with automatic writing,' said the dreamy voice of Sybill Trelawney, scion of the once-great Trelawney family of seers.

Harry was not particularly paying attention. He was regretting having chosen Divination three years ago, it was now his sixth year at Hogwarts and he didn't think he ever learned anything in the class.

He would prefer to use this time to inspect what junior Death Eater Draco Malfoy was up to, but he had been warned by Professor McGonagall that he could not afford to miss many more classes.

'Now take a quill firmly in your wand hand,' the air-headed part-time seer continued, 'place it on parchment, and inhale deeply the scents in the room. Embrace your Inner Eye, and just let your Magic guide your writing.'

Harry deeply inhaled the rather oily herb-like smell that lingered in the room, which somewhat reminded him of the self-rolled fags he saw Dudley and his mates some times during the summer, and let himself doze off a little.

'Extraordinary dear boy...' he heard a long time later, and found the entire class room, including Professor Trelawney, stare at him.  
'You've been writing non-stop all class, tell us, what did you all write?'

Harry looked down on his parchment, and paled. He quickly rolled it closed.

'It's... erm... private, Professor. May I be excused from class?'

'Certainly dear boy... class is almost over anyway. You have earned an Outstanding for this subject. Please tell us what you can of what your Inner Eye let you know next class.'

Harry hurriedly packed his possessions, and ran to his dorm room. He opened the parchment again, and read:

_'Hi Harry, about time you had a chat with your 'inner self'. It's about time you took Divination seriously, even if Trelawney is the third-worst teacher in Hogwarts (Binns and Snapey are of course even worse).  
'I really hate Professor Dumbledore. He knows I have to face Voldemort, and what does he do to prepare me? Show me stupid home films!_

_'He hasn't even told me yet that my scar is a Horcrux. Doesn't he realize that if he were to hypnotize me, I could access the soul fragment and tell him everything he wishes to know about Moldiewarts and his collection of toys?'_

'What!' exclaimed Harry. His scar was a Horcrux and Dumbledore _knew_? He read the next line.

_'His first Horcrux, the diary, I dealt with back in my second year._

_'His second Horcrux, the Gaunt Ring, the fool Albus destroyed by cutting with Godric Gryffindor's sword – **my** sword according to law, not that the old coot is planning to tell me._

_'Third is Slytherin's locket. The one I saw in Sirius' house when Molly Weasley forced us all to clean it, remember?_

_'The fourth Horcrux, Hufflepuff's Cup, is in the Lestrange vault in Gringotts London. Before he let Sirius be killed he could have had Sirius simply dissolve the Lestrange marriage and have the vault confiscated as repayment, but now we have to deal with the Goblins!'_

Harry was getting angry. Did his subconscious imply that Dumbledore was responsible for Sirius' death? He could not deny this made some sense, after all Dumbles had never attempted to get Sirius a trial, and actually had him locked up in his own home all last year.

He read on.

_'Then there's the fifth Horcrux, in the Room of Requirement. I must say Harry, I really should have been able to find this one when I was spending all that time leading the D.A. last year. I mean, I never had problems sensing Fouledshorts' presence before, and here I was in the very Room it was hidden in in! Just ask for the 'Room of Hidden Things' to find it._

_'My scar is the sixth one, afraid I don't know how to get rid of it. Maybe Hermione can help me find a solution if her PMSing this year finally stops._

_'Finally there's his seventh and last one, Ravenclaw's Scrying Gem. Tommy Riddle fed this to Nagini, his pet snake, so that one will be a little hard to find._

_'Now my next step should have been to take this list to Amelia Bones, but my own inaction and that of Dumbles led her being killed last summer._

_'Tell Remus Lupin all about this, and let him swear to keep it from Dumbledore. Remus once swore to protect you to James and Sirius, so should be able to be convinced to help. Do not involve Dumbles, the old fool would just try to slow you down.'_

Harry vowed to do just that. There was one paragraph left.

_'Finally, go to Hermione right after reading this and ask her what is more important to her: your friendship, or her being the best Gryffindor student in Potions Class. Tell her you will share the Half-Blood Prince's book with her – by the way, you know who the Prince family is, you read it in 'Magical Families of Britain' last year. Just look up who their school going members were in the seventies  
'If I know my Hermione, and I do since I am the smarter part of you, she will make the right choice. Get her over her pride and kiss her already!'_

Later Harry would realize that this was the only time Divination was ever helpful in his life.

* * *

A/N: As you probably realized by now these Drabbles are all shorts, none of them necessarily connected to other stories.  
This is just another way Harry could actually have had some help in the books, and a way to avoid the worst part of canon Books 6 and 7.

Automatic Writing often seems to have the writer know things he couldn't otherwise, so what if Harry did this with Voldie's soul bit still attached?

A/N 2: sorry for the double alert. I changed the title of the container story as apparently drabbles are just 100 words and had to republish this.


	5. Emma's Plan (now a full story)

This chapter has now been replaced by a full story. Please read Emma's Plan in my profile.

Thanks to people who have already reviewed it.


	6. The Bro Code

**Rambling 5**

**Harry Potter and the Bro Code**

'Oi Harry, read this,' shouted a slightly buzzed Seamus Finnigan as he tossed a Muggle men's magazine over to Harry's bed. The five Gryffindor boys had managed to smuggle some Butter-beers and Fire Whiskey up to their dorm room following the Quidditch victory party that won them the Quidditch cup in their sixth year.

Harry took the magazine, and blushed heavily as the inexperienced wizard saw his first naked women.

'Err guys, is this okay for me to read?'

'Blimey mate, you never had a wank before?' said the ever-blunt Ron Weasley.

'Of course I have,' bit back Harry. He turned the page, red-faced, and found an article. '_That should be safer_,' he thought.

'_The Bro Code_', read the title.

_'Live By The Code, Die By The Code...  
__**Me, Myself, and I  
**__A set of rules meant to be a guideline to live by between Bro's. The rules began as unwritten rules to follow but because they haven't been followed properly and for some men they needed to be spelled out in bold print.  
__1. **Bros before hoes.  
**__2. **Thou shalt not sleep with your Bro's ex-girlfriend.  
**__3. **Never drink the last beer, unless you have been granted specific permission that it is OK  
**__4. **If a girl falls into the following criteria, she is off limits forever until the end of time**:  
__A. Was an ex-girlfriend.  
__B. Your Bro specifically told you he wanted her.  
__C. Is your Bro's sister.  
__However, if it's your Bro's cousin, well she's up for grabs, and you're welcome to rub it in his face for years to come.  
__5. **Never diss a Bro if his team just lost a crushing game.**'__  
_

'_Interesting,_' Harry thought.

'Guys, this bro code thing... is that real?'

'Oh'cou'se Harry!' slurred a now pretty drunk Ron. 'You _never_ break the Bro code.'

'Hell yeah mates! Bro code for life!' yelled of all people Neville, as he passed out on Dean Thomas' bed. Dean just pushed him over the edge, and nodded in his own reply.

'You see,' began Harry carefully, 'the reason I ask is –'

'I got ya mate! Oi Seamus you Irish git! Throw Harry there the last beer would you?' yelled Ron almost incoherently in reply, and passed out.

As Harry sipped his beer, he considered the rule. He was an idiot, he decided. Cho was clearly off-limits because of #4A, Hermione because of #4B (and her being a total bitch this year), and Ginny... despite the rather steamy kiss... was clearly in #4C.

The next morning would not be pretty.

'Ginny, listen...' he said very quietly that morning, as the buzz of the morning Common Room conversation grew louder around them and people began to leave for breakfast.  
'I can't be involved with you any more. We've got to stop seeing each other. We can't be together.'

Ginny said, with an oddly twisted smile. 'It's for some stupid, noble reason, isn't it?  
'Oh Harry, I don't care about Voldemort or what his followers may think. I know you want to be out there fighting Voldemort, maybe that's why I like you so much.'

That floored Harry.

'"Maybe that's why I like you so much?" Dammit Gin-Gin, I thought you grew over your infatuation with the Boy-who-Lived finally.  
'If that's how you think, it's all the more reason we can never be together.'

Harry walked off, not caring about the hurt, then angry look in Ginny's eyes, or the gossip that started up. He just barely missed being hexed by Ginny's signature bat-bogey hex when Hermione grabbed the young red-head's arm.

'Oh Ginny, I don't know what got into him. I'll talk to him,' she said, trying to calm the fire cracker down.

'I know _exactly_ what got into his stupid head!  
'RONALD BLOODY BILIUS WEASLEY, get your lazy arse down here!'

Ron, thinking he heard his mother bellow, rushed down the stairs, only to be met by the glowing tip of Ginny's wand.

'What. Did. You. Tell. Harry. Last. Night.'

'Huh? Gin-Gin? Wha –'

'_Mucus ad Nauseam_!' the enraged spitfire yelled, and snot bats began attacking Ron's face, who ran howling back up the stairs.

'Oh Seamus... anything to tell me?' Ginny focused on her next target.

'Oh damn.' Seamus was not the brightest bulb in the box, but he was not an idiot.  
'It must have been the bro code... oh damn, oh damn, oh damn...'

Meanwhile Harry had made it to the breakfast table.

'_Romilda Vane? Nah, she's even more of a fan girl than Ginny ever was, even if she does have spectacular tits for her age.  
Susan Bones? Best tits in Hogwarts. Maybe last year, but she's been so sad since her aunt died, I don't need a repeat of Hosepipe Cho.  
Parvati or Padma... maybe I can get both? Nah they've been angry with me since I was such a fool at the Yule Ball._'

Harry continued scanning the female half of the Hogwarts populace present at breakfast, mentally comparing them.

_'Daphne Greengrass? She'd curse first, kiss later... same goes for Tracey. No Slytherins then.'_

Suddenly his field of vision was blocked when a nicely shaped pair of boobs pressed against his face.

'Luna! What in Merlin's name are you doing?'

'Oh hello Harry Potter,' began the reality-denying blonde. 'You are suffering from an acute infestation of wrackspurts, so I decided to help you out by smothering them to death.'

'_Damn she does look good... and was a lot of fun at Slughorn's party_,' Harry thought. '_She's also fair game according to the brocode..._'

'Erm Luna, do you want to –'

'Not until after the third date Harry, even if I do think your basilisk would fit nicely in my Chamber of Secrets,' replied the blonde.

'Not that!' squeaked Harry. 'Do you want to, maybe, go out some time?'

'Of course Harry, how else can we get to our _third_ date? It's a good thing you have such a smart girlfriend,' she replied, beaming at him.

The fact that Harry Potter was now going out with Luna Lovegood seemed to interest a great number of people, most of them girls, yet Harry found himself newly and happily impervious to gossip over the next few weeks.

And Luna proved to be _very prophetic_ after their third date.

* * *

A/N: Another quick cathartic story, I needed to get a particularly bad Harry/Ginny fic that began very promising out of my mind.

Bro Code courtesy of bebo, dot, com.

The story is set exactly at the end of chapter 24 of Half-Blood Prince, that is between pages 499 and 500 in my adult edition of the book.  
Several words copied verbatim from JK Rowling's work.


	7. The Bro Code, extended

**Rambling 5 part 2**

**The Bro Code, extended**

Harry Potter had been dating Luna a month now.  
Luna was very odd, but kept him very happy. They had gone on several dates, and if he thought the aftermath of the third date was great, the fourth, fifth, and sixth dates made him consider the English language lacked proper words to describe just how fantastic it was to date someone who seemed to lack body shyness, was extremely limber, and had memorized a book that rhymed with Lama Neutra.

Ginny Weasley had not taken the break up well, and she had been caught trying to curse both him and Luna several times. To her great shock, she found that school rules applied to _her_ as well, and she spent several evenings in detention.  
Those evenings tended to be the ones where Luna joined him in the Gryffindor Common Room.

The one downside – or upside, depending on he looked at it – was the he hardly spent time with his 'friends' Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley any more.  
Ron was still busy trying to inhale as much of Lavender Brown's face every time he was not busy inhaling food, and Hermione was too busy watching Ron with a forlorn look on her face.

Although he _had_ noticed that the bushy-haired witch recently seemed to spend about as much time watching him and Luna, whenever they were canoodling in the Gryffindor Common Room.

One Friday, Hermione walked up to him as he was cuddling with Luna on the sofa.

'Harry... why exactly did you break up with Ginny?'

'Oh, that's simple Hermione. It's the Bro Code.'

'The what?'

'Here, I have a copy,' he handed over a short peace of parchment with the five rules written on them. Harry was not thinking straight, as Luna was wriggling on his lap in a very distracting manner.

Hermione glanced it over, 'What does this have to do with you dumping Ginny?'

'Simple Hermione. Ginny is Ron's sister. Ron is my bro. It's the same reason why you and I would never work, you belong to my bro,' Harry said, his attention fully on Luna.

'I belong to –' Hermione spluttered, then continued in a sweet tone. 'Harry, which _bro_ of yours told you I belong to him?'

All the alarm bells should have been ringing in Harry's ears by now, but Luna had snuck her hand in his shirt and her finger were now playing with his lower stomach, which evidently served to shut the alarms down.

'Oh, Ron. He told everyone of us you were his girl back when we ran the D.A.. You and I could never work out anyway, as I am with Luna now.'

'Thank you Harry,' Hermione said in a sickly sweet tone, as stood up and left the two love-birds to their make out session.  
She made her way over to the other end of the Common Room, where the single guys andgirls in their year tended to congregate. With them sat Ron, he had been snogging Lavender most of the night but had temporarily escaped her lips and rejoined the singles pack.

Seamus saw Hermione stamp over, and elbowed Dean, who warned Neville, 'Time to split, guys... Mount Granger is about to explode.'

'_Won-won_, do you really want me?' began the bushy-haired witch, fluttering her eye lashes.

'Mione? You finally saw that you had one hot hunk waiting for you? Pucker up baby,' the red-haired idiot smiled at her, and closed his eyes and leaned in for a kiss.

_Slap!_ went Hermione's hand, in a good repeat of the infamous slap Malfoy had once received.

'For your information _Ronald_, I was not, am not, and shall never be _yours_,' Hermione angrily huffed. 'And furthermore –'

'Hermione, mind if I take over?' said an equally angry Lavender. 'I think my _ex-boyfriend_ and I need to have a chat.'

A panicking Ron was dragged to a corner, over which the ever helpful Hermione cast a silencing spell.

'Seamus, a full copy of this so-called Bro Code, _now_,' demanded Hermione of the Irish wizard. Seamus scrambled to his dorm room, and came back down with a long roll of parchment.

Hermione did what she did best, study. She immediately noticed that Seamus' copy differed from Harry's brief list in that it was both longer and several rules were written differently, but all of Harry's five rules were there.  
Then she read some particularly interesting ones.

_27. If you ever go with two girls, make sure they know nothing about each other.  
28. Exception: it is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining every guys dream (threesome with two girls). Any girls, including those otherwise off-limits, are allowed as long as:  
A. neither is currently the girlfriend of another bro  
B. neither is your own sister. That is just sick, bro.  
29. Any Bro who has a girl wishing to introduce another girl to the bed, should be thanking God for her and not waste the opportunity._

Hermione tracked down Luna on her own the next morning at breakfast. Harry had had a 'special study' with the Headmaster, and was sleeping in.

'Luna, do you have a moment for me in private?'

'You can have a moment, as soon as I figure out how to remove one,' replied Luna. 'I do not know how to get one in private though, most of my moments seem to be followed by others immediately.'

Already Hermione's head was beginning to hurt.

'No, I mean, can we speak, where there are just the two of us?'

'I am certain we can, Hermione Granger,' replied Luna, and went back to eating.

Hermione looked on bewildered, then saw a slight smile on Luna's lips. '_She's messing with me!_' she thought, and offering Luna her hand, she took her to one of the many abandoned classrooms nearby.

'Luna, I want to talk with you about Harry,' Hermione carefully began.

'He likes it when you lick his left ear lobe during sex,' replied Luna.

Hermione filed that interesting tidbit away for later, 'Not that – at least not yet, Luna. Tell me, are you aware with the so-called Bro Code?'

'Is that the plot by the Rotfang conspiracy to take over former Minister Fudge's army of Heliotropes?''

'What? No. Read this,' Hermione blinked in reply, handing Luna her own copy of the list. Entries 28 and 29 were highlighted, and the latter rule was underlined, twice.

'No Bro shall ever tell another Bro "I love you", except when drunk?' I did not know that one, thank you Hermione,' said the blonde. 'Now shall we go wake up our boyfriend? He does enjoy my breasts in the morning.'

'Luna please do pay attention!' exclaimed a tired Hermione. 'I am sure your breasts are great but really don't want to talk about that now. Did you read the rule I underlined – wait a sec.'  
Her brain finally caught up to her mouth. 'Our boyfriend?'

'You agree to share with Harry? My Hermione, I love you!' Luna wrapped her arms around the older witch, and kissed her deeply on the mouth.

Hermione was frozen in shock, but at Luna's tongue's insistent probing, she opened her own mouth, and soon they were snogging heavily. Then Luna cut off the snog, causing Hermione to sigh slightly in protest.

'Hmmm, strawberry,' said a flustered Luna, as she licked her lips. 'You give the most wonderful kisses Hermione, I am certain Harry will love kissing you as much as I do.  
'You can kiss our boyfriend awake while I climb under the covers.'

Hermione had just had her first real snog, her previous kisses had been chaste kisses to the cheek (mostly her parents or, occasionally, Harry), and a single kiss on the lips from Krum the previous year. She was just sitting there, staring into nothingness, and running her own tongue slightly over her lips.  
Luna tasted of... bananas? Yes, that must have come from the banana split Luna had somehow been eating at breakfast.

It took a little more prompting, but eventually Luna managed to drag her new girlfriend over to her boyfriend's bed room.

Harry woke up to the pleasant sensation of Luna's skilled mouth waking up Little Harry, but at the same time felt an impatient tongue trying to enter his mouth. After a good snog of a minute or two, his brain registered that A) Luna usually could only use one mouth at the same time, and B) Luna was a more skilled kisser, and finally C) Luna did not taste like strawberries.  
He opened his eyes, and saw not just the by-now familiar sight of Luna's head bobbing in his lap, but also a rather glassy- eyed Hermione leaning partially over him, her lips swollen from the deep snog they had just had.

'Hmm hmming Hmmy,' hummed Luna, then released him with a _pop_ and a slurp.

'Morning lover. Hermione dear here introduced me to the Bro Code, so we're now both your girlfriends.'  
She crawled up Harry's body, snuggling against him, then spotted Hermione.  
'Oh my, she's got an Umgubular Slashkilter all over her. Quickly Harry, help me get her out of her clothes, the Slashkilters like to use to constrain their victims.'

Well trained to follow his – first – girlfriend's commands, Harry happily complied.

The trio missed all their classes that day, and when they showed up at dinner, Harry and his loves found themselves the focus of gossip throughout Hogwarts.  
Not that they cared... they were the happiest they had ever been.

* * *

A/N: Written for a die-hard Lunar Harmonian. My first attempt at lemony content... not quite there yet I think.


	8. The One with The Power

**The One With the Power**

_'The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies.. and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives... the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies...'_

A smiling Albus Dumbledore reviewed the Prophecy in his Pensieve, in the privacy of his office. So the one who would take care of Voldemort would be born at the end of July to a couple that opposed the Dark Lord, and would be male... that narrowed the list down to only a few couples, the Potters, the Longbottoms, and the Bones. He knew of no others that had fought Voldemort twice and where the wives were pregnant. Now it remained a question of which child would be born at the end of July, and would be male. It was very fortunate that all three possibilities were part of his Order, so he could guide them where their child could confront the Dark Lord and end the war. All for the Greater Good.

* * *

Lucius Scorpius Malfoy had been a prefect at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The son of the notorious Abraxas Black, he was the undisputed leader of Slytherin House by his fifth year. Dumbledore had heard rumours of severe bullying by Slytherins of Muggleborn students, and called Lucius to his office one day.

'Ah Lucius my boy... take a seat. Would you like a lemon drop?'

The pure-blood wizard sat down stately, and held his back straight, 'No thank you Headmaster. May I ask why you have called me here?'

'Dear boy, I have heard some nasty bullying is going on. In many cases Slytherin students are involved,' Dumbledore attempted to legilimice Lucius, but ran into strong Occlumency shields.  
'When I approached your head of House, good Professor Slughorn on this, he mentioned he let inter-House affairs be handled by the prefects. Is there something you wish to tell me, Lucius?'

'I have nothing to say to you Headmaster. If you had any proof, you'd not call me over,' Lucius stood up. 'Good night sir.'

'Lucius, come back here! You _will_ tell me who is involved in the bullying!'

'No Headmaster, I will not. In fact, I may be tempted to write a long letter to my father about your overt familiarity with me here.'

And at that Lucius left Dumbledore's office. The bullying was not stopped, and in fact only became worse.

* * *

On month before Lucius' graduation, Albus called him to his office again.  
'Lucius, I must ask you re-think your choices for your future. Can you not see that Voldemort is destroying wizarding culture?' Dumbledore pleaded with him. It was clear that Lucius could steer the entire Slytherin contingent into a given direction.  
'Your father is getting older, and his health is deteriorating. You will soon be the Head of the Malfoy family, with great political power.  
'Please reject Voldemort's teachings! Our world needs men of your calibre to lead them to a better future, not into Darkness.'

Lucius stood up and laughed, 'Dumbledore, you're a fool. The Dark Lord is the future for wizard kind, I will never join you, as long as I live,' and he left.

* * *

After leaving Hogwarts, Lucius married Narcissa Irma Black, and became a member of Voldemort's Death Eaters. In late 1978 he led a raid on a Muggleborn's house, when the rape and torture session was interrupted by the Order of the Phoenix, led by Albus Dumbledore himself. Dumbledore was one of the first in the house, and while other Order members duelled with Lucius' men, he tracked down Lucius in the children's bedrooms upstairs.

Lucius kicked the six-year old boy he had been torturing away as he heard the commotion outside, pulled up his pants, and then grabbed the boy again, placing his wand on the traumatized naked child's head.

'Death Eater! Release your hostage and surrender!' shouted a furious Dumbledore. He had rushed past the bodies of the children's parents, the father had been used as target practice for cutting charms and the mother had been tortured for hours before she was killed by a bludgeoning curse to the face.  
And here in this bedroom he now found a murdered twelve-year old Muggleborn witch, lying naked on her bed with her wand snapped and driven into her eye sockets. At least her young brother was still alive, but he was currently being held by one of the murderers.

'I think not, Dumbledore,' replied Lucius. The Death Eater masks had a variation of a muffling spell charmed on them, making their voices unrecognisable.  
'You will call of your Order and let us leave, or this filthy Muggle will join his parents and the Mudblood in death.'

Albus, always wanting to save lives, agreed. As the Death Eaters apparated out, Lucius slightly pulled back his wand from the boy's head.  
'On second thoughts... _reducto_!'

Even as the boy's brain was splattered over the walls, Lucius apparated out.

* * *

In the old Celtic calendar, the year starts in November. On the 30th of April 1981 Narcissa Malfoy, wife of Lucius Malfoy, gave birth to her son Draco Lucius.  
Draco grew up to be a spoilt brat, his head filled with Blood supremacy and that he would be destined to rule one day. His entire world revolved around him: he was the heir of the Malfoy family, his father was the Minister for Magic in all but name, and his mother doted on him.

Two months later Susan Bones, Neville Longbottom, and Harry Potter were born. The Bones child was a girl so irrelevant, and Dumbledore convinced the Potters and Longbottoms to abandon their protected manors, and instead live in _fidelius_-protected 'safe' houses, while he made sure that their secret keepers would tell Voldemort where they were. That way a confrontation was assured.

The Dark Lord eventually attacked the Potters, and was evidently vanquished. Young Harry Potter was taken by Dumbledore, and placed in an abusive household. The prophecy had not been fulfilled yet, so it was best if Harry grew up cowed and timid, so he could be led like a lamb to the slaughter once Voldemort returned.  
It would be unfortunate that the Potter family would be destroyed, but as James and Lily's wills made Dumbledore out to be the principle beneficiary should Harry die, their possessions would go towards the Greater Good.

* * *

In his fifth year, Draco was made a prefect despite strong objections from all Heads of House who were not Severus Snape. Dumbledore himself intervened:  
'Draco is not as bad as you all say. I see myself in him, I too grew up with a strong-minded father who held _unpopular_ ideas. And yet I was made a prefect, and that eventually lead to my position here today.  
'Therefore I say we treat Draco equal to how I was treated, and grant him the position he may not have earned, but one he needs.'

Draco proudly bore his prefect badge, his mark of honour.

* * *

At the end of June 1997, Draco Malfoy was facing his Headmaster on top of the Astronomy Tower. Draco had been trying to kill the old man all year, and now it had come to this.  
Death Eaters he had led in were rampaging through Hogwarts, and the Headmaster had lost his wand to Malfoy's _Expelliarmus_.

Dumbledore talked with Draco for what seemed like hours, with a hidden and petrified Harry Potter as their only witness. Then the Death Eaters were routed, and some of them fled up the stairs.  
A coward at heart, Draco could not directly murder someone, but he had served Dumbledore up as a lamb for the slaughter. There are many ways to vanquish someone. And Dumbledore had never understood that asking others for help was a power in and of it self.

As the jet-green light left Snape's wand and struck Dumbledore squarely in the chest, blasting him through the air and off the tower, Draco had succeeded in bringing down the Dark Lord of the 'Light'.


	9. Mr Potter, Explain Yourself

**Mr Potter, Explain Yourself**

'MISTER POTTER!'

Harry's head was pounding, and the shrill sound of Professor McGonagall's loud voice was definitely not helping. He grunted, and tried to roll back on his pillow, but found a warm body on his left. And on his right.  
What the hell had he been doing?

'MISTER POTTER, WAKE UP, NOW!'

Harry opened his eyes, and saw the blurred form of McGonagall standing next to his bed.  
'Grhgawsshes?' He yawned, and tried again, 'Glasses?'

A fuming McGonagall handed them over from a night-stand that Harry had not even seen yet. Yup, McGonagall looked pissed. Harry looked around more, and found he was in lying on a super king size bed in the middle of an opulent bedroom. Items of clothing were lying everywhere, far more than just his own.  
'_Well that explains why I feel like I am being held by two others,_' the fifth-year wizard thought. He looked at the bed, and saw two human forms completely hidden by the blanket.

'Awake now, Mr Potter?' McGonagall sounded sarcastic, and still angry.

'Ah, sorry about that Professor... where are we?' Harry said sheepishly.

'We are in the Room of Requirement Mr Potter, don't pretend you don't know.'

'Err... what day is it?'

McGonagall rolled her eyes, 'It is Monday, the 22nd of June. Now Mr Potter, will you kindly explain why you were not in classes or in your dorm room, and why I found you here this morning in this state?'

'Err...' Harry stalled, 'I don't quite remember, ma'am...'

'The bottles of fire whiskey would explain that, yes,' McGonagall sniffed. 'Very well Mr Potter. I will give you and your... partners... one half hour to freshen up before I want to see the three of you in my office. Who do you have with you there any way?'

Harry lifted up the blanket, and saw a heavily blushing Hermione Granger, and a grinning Luna Lovegood looking up at him. They were looking a mixture of scared, ashamed, and amused. And, he immediately noticed, were as naked as he evidently was.  
Harry blushed, and looked back at McGonagall, 'Err ma'am, may we have an hour? I promise we will all come to your office immediately after.'

McGonagall smirked, 'very well Mister Potter. One hour exactly,' and she left.

Once the door closed, Hermione scooted up to the pillow, and to Harry's surprise took him in a deep snog. Meanwhile Luna was stroking little Harry below. Finally Hermione released him, and the two Gryffindors looked each other in the eye, both blushing heavily.

'Her- Hermione, what in Merlin's name?' Harry stuttered. Luna was rapidly succeeding in waking him up, which was very distracting.  
'Luna? Please stop... what is going on?'

'Oh pooh, I wanted to play some more,' said Luna, as she twisted and turned her lithe body up Harry's increasing the torture until she reached the pillow level. Lying fully on top of the young wizard, she kissed him deeply as well. Luna began moving her hips, until Hermione slapped her on the bum, hard.

'Ouch! Hermione, what was that for?' Luna yelped, scooting off Harry and cradled her stinging cheek.

'Playtime is later Luna, if you had gotten him started again we'd miss our appointment with Professor McGonagall,' Hermione grinned at the blonde.  
'As for you Harry...' Hermione lifted herself up on an arm, and smiled at Harry.  
'Since your poor little masculine brain appears to be overwhelmed by our beauty, let me remind you of what happened last night...'

* * *

One hour later, three happy looking teens knocked on the door to McGonagall's office. She called 'Enter,' and raised an eye brow at the three, then shot them a glare until they took seats. Harry sat in the middle, with Hermione hanging on his right arm, and Luna on his left.

'Well? I take it there was no fourth student involved in your illicit activities last night?'

Harry had the good sense to blush, Hermione looked sheepishly proud, and Luna blankly replied 'Oh no ma'am, Harry could just barely handle the two of us. A third girl would have killed him,' in a tone as if she was discussing one of her silly animals.

'I see,' replied McGonagall. It was going to be one of _those_ mornings. She had been released from St. Mungo's the previous day, to find Hogwarts in chaos. Harry, Hermione, Luna, the Longbottom boy, and the two youngest Weasleys had taken down High Inquisitor Umbridge, had taken thestrals to London, and had battled – and defeated – Death Eaters in the Ministry itself. Then on Thursday Harry and Dumbledore had held a long meeting in the Headmaster's office, and since Friday Dumbledore had been in the Ministry since Fudge had almost been outed on the spot, trying to guide the Wizarding World now that Voldemort was openly acknowledged as being back.  
The Sunday Prophet had been nearly entirely dedicated to _The Ministry Six_, and she had found Harry in the hospital wing, talking with his wounded friends. She had spent most of Sunday trying to get order restored, and had to deal with angry Centaurs who were – still – refusing to return that awful Umbridge woman.

'Why don't you start with why Ms Granger and Ms Lovegood are not in their hospital beds hmm?' McGonagall prompted the trio.

It was Harry who took the word, 'I was visiting my friends in the hospital wing last night. Luna had a concussion from being thrown around the room by one of the Death Eaters, and still had a head-ache. I remembered seeing Mrs Weasley kissing Ginny's arm one summer when she had a bruise, so I decided it could not hurt, and kissed her forehead.'

'Harry gives wonderful kisses, it's almost like a Moon Frog's touch,' Luna added, 'my head-ache was instantly over and I felt wonderful.'

'Err, yes,' Harry blushed a bit, 'then I saw that Hermione was in pain still, so I joked that I could kiss her better, too.'

'I joked back, well do it then Harry', Hermione added, blushing as well, 'he took it literally.'

'I lifted up her shirt and placed a gentle kiss right on her stomach, over the ugly curse scar,' Harry admitted. At McGonagall's frown he quickly added, 'I didn't see anything! Her breasts were still covered!' in a panicked tone.

'Harry's kiss was gentle and warm,' Hermione said in almost a dreamy a tone as Luna had used. 'I felt so... _loved_,' she snuggled into Harry some.

'Well, yeah, well– anyway,' spluttered the wizard, 'her scar disappeared before my eyes. I called over Madam Pomfrey, and she confirmed that both Luna and Hermione had been fully healed. She assumed that her treatment had been very effective.'

'I told Harry that he should now kiss Ronald, Neville, and Ginevra, but he did not want to,' pouted Luna.

'Mister Potter? Why not?' asked McGonagall.

'Err... well I really don't want to kiss a guy, and Ginny, she's Ron's little sister. He'd never forgive me if I kissed her,' said Harry. Left unsaid was that he didn't want to get her crush on him back, Ginny seemed to have finally grown out of it.

'All right, that explains why the ladies were not in the hospital wing. How does that lead up to this morning?' McGonagall stared them down. Hermione met her gaze and blushingly turned away, Luna seemed to look through McGonagall and was slowly licking her lips, but Harry held hers.

'I'll get to that ma'am... after Pomfrey released Hermione and Luna, they took my arms and we went to the Room of Requirement. I wanted to thank them for helping me at the Ministry, and –' Harry cut off as a sob started rising up. Almost instantly Hermione held him in a hug, and began kissing him deeply.

'Ms Granger! Mr Potter! This is highly inappropriate!' said McGonagall in a loud voice, not that it stopped the two.

'Harry is still very distraught over the death of his godfather,' said Luna in a small voice, even as she lovingly stroked Harry's back with her right hand.  
'He was crying yesterday as well, before he got stupid.'

'He got stupid?' McGonagall was relieved to see the kiss was over, and Hermione, with slightly puffy lips, took over again.

'Harry here told us that we had gotten hurt because we were too close to him, and that he would fight on alone. He then thought he could tell me and Luna to abandon him.'

'It must have been a sudden wrackspurt infestation,' Luna agreed, 'they are known to confuse thoughts, especially when emotions run high.'

'I told my Harry there would be none of that,' continued Hermione, 'Luna and I will be at his side forever and will certainly not let him fight Voldemort alone.'

_My Harry?_ McGonagall picked up on, and filed that away for later.  
'That still does not explain why I found you three not in the last classes of term, but in a bedroom. Together.'

'Well Professor,' Harry actually dared to grin at her, 'that was sort of my fault. I asked my friend Dobby –'

_Pop_, an over-eager House-Elf appeared, 'Master Harry Potter Sir is callings Dobby his friend? Master Harry Potter Sir is being the greatest wizard ever!'  
The Elf hugged Harry's leg, then looked up at the girls, 'Hello Master Harry Potter Sir's Grangy, Master Harry Potter Sir's Loony. Did Master Harry Potter Sir's Grangy and Loony likes the drinksies?'

'House-Elf Dobby,' said a smiling Luna, 'we all really enjoyed what you brought us last night. You are the best House-Elf ever.'  
Dobby blushed, pulled down his floppy ears, and popped out.

'Err, yeah, him,' a slightly flustered Harry said, 'I asked my little friend to bring us some drinks and snacks from Madam Rosmerta, so the girls and I could talk. That was my mistake, I forgot how eager he can be.'

'Dobby brought not just butterbeer and food, but also several bottles of firewhiskey,' Hermione continued.  
'My silly Harry seemed convinced he could handle it, and drank a few bottles while we were sipping our butterbeers.'

'I love butterbeer,' said Luna, 'but I love Harry when he gets over his inhibitions even more,' and she snuggled back into Harry.

'Err, yeah, I don't really remember much after that,' said Harry, blushing.

'You were great Harry,' said Luna, 'my first and second, time were wonderful. So were the third, and the –'  
This time Harry shut _her_ up by initiating a kiss.

'Erm, yes,' Hermione continued, shifting in her seat, 'I think you see the picture ma'am. Harry confessed he was in love with me finally – the silly git should have said so last year so we could have gone to the ball – and I admitted I loved him back,' Hermione smiled.

'I see,' McGonagall definitely was not surprised by Harry and Hermione hooking up, that had been in the books since their first year, 'but how does that explain Ms Lovegood?'

'Erm... she did the same,' said Hermione.

'I have loved Harry since we first met,' said Luna, 'he is not that unpleasant to look at, but his aura is what drew to him. His and mine match perfectly and I knew he could love me back.  
So I simply asked Hermione if I could have Harry some times when she was not using him.'

'Not using him?' McGonagall could not believe her ears, 'Ms Granger! Don't tell me you went along with that!'

'Of course not Professor,' said Hermione, 'I told Luna that Harry should decide. So it's all his fault, you see.'

'Mr Potter, explain yourself,' glared McGonagall.

'Errr... well...,' Harry loosened his tie some, 'you see I really could not decide. On the one hand there is my Hermione, I think I loved her since the train in first year when a cute girl came looking for a frog,' at that Hermione snuggled back into him,  
'On the other hand there is Luna, who has become a good friend in the D.A. this year and I felt a deep connection between us ever since I kissed her,' that earned him a snuggle from Luna.  
'So I asked them if they could not both be my girlfriend.'

'B–both? You have two girlfriends now Mr Potter?'

'Oh certainly not,' said Luna, 'that would be weird. No, he has two fiancées.'

'F-fiancées? Mr Potter, did you ask them both to marry you? And Ms Lovegood, Ms Granger, you said yes?'

'Of course ma'am,' said Harry, 'Hermione explained it all to me,' that earned him a playful stomp on the arm, as the Glare was now focused on Hermione again.

'Luna, kiss Harry,' she said, earning an 'okay!' in reply and Harry's lips were again occupied.  
'It's all very logical ma'am. Harry loves me and Luna, but nobody will respect that he is dating us both. But Harry is now the Head of two Houses.  
'Sirius told him last summer that he had made Harry his heir, and the Goblins don't care if someone is a prisoner, suspect, or free man, they just execute the wills. The Ministry has to obey thanks to the Treaties.  
'So Harry is Harry Potter, and Harry Black. Legally they are two different persons.  
'I will marry Harry Potter once he turns sixteen, and Luna will marry Harry Black once _she_ turns sixteen.'

'But– but that is bigamy!' replied McGonagall.

'No ma'am,' said Luna, who had released a glazed-eyed and happy looking Harry again, 'it is all perfectly legal. The Blacks are a Noble and Most Ancient House, which means that the House cannot legally be combined with another house. Since Stubby Boardman –'

'Who?' interjected McGonagall.

'She means Sirius Black,' Hermione replied, then took Harry into a kiss, crawling on his lap. It was testament to how much information had been dumped on McGonagall that she did not even complain.

'Yes, that was his alias,' continued Luna, 'his will has disowned Narcissa Irma Black-Malfoy and Bellatrix Druella Black-Lestrange, so Harry is the closest male of Black descent still in the family and is now Lord Black.  
And the Potters are also a Noble and Most Ancient House, so the same applies there. So you see ma'am, there is no problem at all.'

'But he cannot marry both of you! What if he wants to do his husbandly duties?' tried McGonagall.

'Oh that is no problem ma'am,' replied Luna with a smile, 'Harry is very good at those. He made both my Hermione and me very happy last night.'

'She's right,' said Hermione, still sitting on Harry's lap, 'Luna and I are very happy to share. I don't mind kissing her either, she is very sweet,' and to demonstrate she leant over, and caught Luna's lips with hers.

'Erm ma'am,' said Harry, who was beginning to feel his trousers were far too tight suddenly, 'may we be excused? I wish to have a further discussion with my beautiful fiancées in private.'

McGonagall looked at the trio, and realised she could not do anything about the relationship. If Luna and Hermione were right, and she had no reason to doubt the two best scoring witches in their respective years from having done the proper research, there was indeed legally nothing wrong with their relationship.  
'Very well Mr Potter. You will understand I cannot give you access to the married quarters just yet, but I trust the Room of Requirement will do for these remaining days?'

Harry nodded.

'Then I am letting you three off with a warning not to drink firewhiskey unsupervised again, and I do not wish you to miss your last classes. Nor should you get _caught_ in flagrante again, understood?'

'Oh and I will expect invitations to both weddings!' called after the happy trio, as they went for the Room of Requirement for more celebrations.

* * *

A/N: a little fluffy bit of Lunar Harmony.


	10. Party Games

**Party Games**

Draco woke up. The last thing the sixth-year Slytherin could remember was going to bed after a night of partying. He and his fellow Death Eaters had caught Potter's pet Mudblood Granger alone in the halls as she was leaving the library, and he had spent an hour practising cutting and blasting spells on her before she finally died from a '_Reducto_' directly to the face. Leaving her mangled body in the hall, Draco and his book ends had gone to the Slytherin Common Room, where they had celebrated her death until he finally went to bed.

This morning he found himself unable to move, finding himself standing in the middle of the Great Hall on the Ravenclaw table. In front of him was standing his nemesis Harry Potter. Harry was backed by Potter's Commandos, the survivors of what Draco knew had once been Dumbledore's Army or the Defence Association. Susan Bones was standing next to a large blackboard with seven dots on it.  
The rest of the school was behind Potter's Commando's, but there was no teacher in sight.

'Draco, nice of you to join us,' said Potter, his voice calm. Draco wondered if he knew about the Mudblood yet, but if he did, why would Potter stand there so calmly?

'Thought you could get away with it again did you? Well no longer,' Harry smirked.  
'I feel like playing a little game. Death Eaters, you ready?'

Someone turned Draco slightly, and he saw the Slytherin table was filled with all his followers. Crabbe, Goyle, Nott, Parkinson, Greengrass, Zabini, Corner, Smith – all the Marked Death Eaters were sitting there, looking scared. That probably had something to do with the fact that none of them appeared to have their wands, whereas Potter's Commandos not only outnumbered them, but was also pointing their wands at the traitors.  
Then Draco spotted the first teacher, his Head of House, Severus Snape. Snape too was sitting at the table. As Nott nodded, Draco was turned back to face Harry once more.

He heard Pansy Parkinson's voice hesitatingly ask, 'Is there a "K"'?

'Nope, no "K"s,' Harry said. Harry waved his hand – no wand, Draco realised – and a wooden pole appeared next to Draco.  
Susan Bones wrote a "**K**" on a blackboard next to her, underneath the row of dots.

Nott spoke up, 'Is there an "N"?'

'Yes, one "N",' replied Harry. Susan wrote the letter on the fifth place on the board.

Snape spoke, 'Potter, stop this madness at once!'

'Ooh, what a shame,' said Harry. 'That is not a valid letter.' He waved his hand again, and a wooden beam appeared on top the pole, extending directly over Draco's head.

'That's not fair!' yelled Snape. '"A", is there an "A"?'

'I told you the rules, _Death Eaters_,' was Harry's reply. 'You only get to guess a letter. Every other statement will be treated as an invalid guess. But no, no "A"s.'

Susan wrote down an "**A**" under the line of dots, and at Harry's hand wave a diagonal cross-bar appeared, connecting the pole and beam.

'Next contestant?' Harry stared down the line of Death Eaters.

'Is there an "E"?' asked Michael Corner.

'Good guess! Three "E"s,' and Susan wrote down an "E" on the second, fourth, and last spot. '**_E_EN_E'** was on the board now, with '**KA**' below it.

Draco was confused. What the hell was Scarhead playing at?

'"D",' grunted Crabbe.

'No "**D**"s!' A rope appeared, hanging from the beam directly over Draco's head.

"The letter "M"?' asked Zabini.

'No "**M**"s! Guys, better be careful, just three more errors allowed,' Harry waved his hand again, and a noose appeared at the end of the rope.

Surely Scarhead wasn't gonna – Draco tried to yell, but was frozen completely still.

'"P"!' yelled William Harper, the youngest Marked Death Eater at the table.

'You had a toilet break before the game started,' said Harry flatly, causing sniggers to rise up from the Commandos, 'Or was that a guess? Either way, no "**P**".'

'**KADM****P**' read the board below the dotted line, and Ron Weasley put the noose around Draco's head.

'Two more false guesses and it's game over,' said Harry. 'Daphne, why don't you go next?'

'But... but... "R"?' stuttered Daphne Greengrass.

'Excellent guess! One "R" in the word,' Harry said. Susan wrote down the letter, '**RE_EN_E**' stood on the board.

'Is it "C"?' asked Goyle.

'No "**C**"s,' and Harry waved his hand, causing the rope to pull tight around Draco's neck. He was forced to stand on his toes to keep from suffocating.  
'Wow you guys suck at this,' said Harry, 'One more mistake and Drakey will literally hang. Parkinson, your turn, better make it a good one.'

Pansy studied the board, then smirked back at Harry, 'I know the word, Pot-head. Do I need to guess the letters or can I just say it?'

'Letters Pansy, as we agreed,' Harry didn't seem fazed.

'There is a "V",' Pansy said. Harry nodded, and Susan wrote it down: '**REVEN_E**'.

'And the last letter is "G", for "Revenge", said the pug-nosed girl, 'You're so predictable, Potter. All this to get "Revenge" on Draco for killing your pet Mudblood? _That_ is why the Dark Lord will win.'

'Ouch, what a shame,' smirked Harry. 'Why don't you flip the board over and show the secret word Susan?'

Susan turned the blackboard around, and in big letters '**REVENUE**' stared at the Death Eaters.

'Game over,' Harry said, waving his hand. Draco was lifted in the air, and began struggling for breath.  
The rope cut into his throat, and it was getting harder and harder to breathe. As Draco began to black out, the last thing he heard was Potter's voice:  
'I think we have a volunteer for the next round. Pansy, why don't you come up here while I think of another word?'

* * *

A/N: I hate this site's formatting, it kept deleting letters in the uploaded chapter even though the preview looked fine.


	11. I Win, Potter

A/N: This is an AU of fifth year, written from Hermione's POV.

* * *

**I win, Potter**

Hermione Granger was a Witch on a Mission. She would prove once and for all that Witches were better than Wizards, and especially that she, the Smartest Witch of her Age, the girl responsible for fifty percent of all House Points earned by Gryffindor every year, was _much_ smarter than that infuriating boy from Ravenclaw.

'Think you've won then this time, Potter?' Hermione smirked at the black-haired Ravenclaw boy, as they went for their Arithmancy class.  
'Professor Vector told me that I was extremely talented, and that she thought I have a real talent for the subject. There is no way you can beat me _this_ time.'

Potter shrugged, 'I don't see why it has to be such a competition Granger. You're not a bad student, so you're right to be proud.'

_Not a bad student? _Hermione was getting angry. How dare he condescend her, just because he had ended up the best student in their class for the past years.  
'So you think you will have scored better than I on this test Potter? Very well, let's make a wager. The one who loses has to do a service for the other.'

'Don't be ridiculous Granger,' Potter said with a small sigh. 'It is _not_ a competition. All I want is to finish my education and I don't care where I end up, as long as I do well.'

'I knew you were a coward Potter, typical Ravenclaw scared-crow!' she yelled at him, drawing the attention of their classmates, as they had arrived at the class room.

'Calm down Granger, before you burst a vessel,' said Potter in that oh so terrible teasing tone of his, 'if it means _that_ much to you, the wager is on.'

Hermione shot him a victorious look, and they entered the class room. There was no way Stupid Potter could have beaten her in last class's test.

* * *

'Potter, come with me,' Hermione said in clipped tones. How could Potter have possibly gotten that question right, how did _anyone_ know that in high thaumaturgic fields the value of pi became exactly 355/113? So she stomped off to the abandoned classroom that had for the past four years been _her_ study, after she had found in her first year that the idiots in her year like Weasley and Finnigan made it impossible to study in her common room, and the library often held Stupid Potter, and there was no studying possible when she was busy glaring at him.

Looking back to make sure Potter followed her, Hermione whispered her password _intelligentia_ at the sympathetic portrait she had convinced to guard her room for her, and stepped inside.  
'Potter, sit,' she indicated the couch that was in the centre of the room. Potter ignored her though, and was looking around.

'This is the old phrenology classroom! I was wondering where it was. How did you manage to seal it off, Granger?' he asked, running his hands lightly over the skull models lined up on shelves on the wall.

'Never you mind, Potter. Now will you take a seat, or do I need to petrify you?' Hermione angrily pointed at the couch, how dare the boy not follow her instructions?

'Okay, okay, no need to get upset,' Potter sat down, and just smiled at her in that annoying way that made Hermione get weak in the knees a bit... oh Morgana why was Stupid Potter so attractive?

'So why did you march me over here Granger?' the Wizard asked after a bit of silence. Hermione shook herself, she was definitely _not_ daydreaming just now.

'You know why, _Potter_. You won our bet. Don't rub it in even more, just stay silent.'

'What bet?' he dared ask, and she glared at him, 'oh _that_ bet? Granger, you cannot be serious, I only accepted –'

That was _it_! '_Silencio_! _Incarcerous_!' she shot off the Silencing Charm and Binding Spell at the annoying wizard, catching him by surprise. There, that was better, now Potter was tied up and silent.

'You have been a pain in my side since first year, Potter,' Hermione began her diabolical monologue – no, her _statement_, she mentally corrected herself.  
'It began in the train. There I was with Longbottom looking for his pet toad, and I enter your compartment. You are sitting there with Turpin and Brocklehurst, and all I wanted was some help finding Longbottom's pet, but nooo, Mister Potter had to show off,' Hermione glared directly at her nemesis.  
'_Honestly_ Potter, what first-year knows the Summoning Charm? _Accio Trevor the Toad_,you wave your stupid wand, and Trevor comes flying towards us.  
'Then the Sorting. Everyone is nervous, but not Perfect Potter oh no! You walk up there, confident, and sit there for half an hour! Then finally the Hat sorts you into _Ravenclaw_. Everyone expected you to be a Gryffindor, why else would I –' Hermione caught herself just in time, and glared at Stupid Potter a bit to get her mouth back in sync with her brain.  
'Then your torture begins. Every single class, it is Potter who knows the spell first, it is you who has all the answers. And when I am the first in my class to levitate my feather, Professor Flitwick tells me that I did it "almost as fast as Mr Potter"!' Hermione was pacing back and forth in front of the couch now.

'End of year, who wins the House Cup? Ravenclaw, with Perfect Potter. And then second year, you do the same, showing off in every class. Even _my_ Head of House, Professor McGonagall, likes you more!  
'I think I finally have something unique in our third year, when Professor McGonagall arranges a Time Turner for me so I can take all extra classes, but who do I find has the same schedule? Perfect Potter! Was it not enough that you are the Teacher's Pet in all normal classes, but you must take the rest at well?  
'And then those ridiculous rumours. As if you really did somehow defeat an evil Professor Quirrel in first year, as if _you_ somehow stopped that Chamber of Secrets nonsense and rescued that Lovegood bint, as if _Perfect Potter_ caught the renegade Peter Pettigrew – oh yes I heard all the rumours your fan club is spewing,' Hermione fumed.

'Then last year. Mr Show-off not only has the fullest schedule of anyone except for me, but he also somehow cheats his way into the Triwizard Tournament – and ends up winning it? And even charms the Beauxbatons Champion into being his date at the Yule Ball?'  
That was a sore memory for her. She was not expecting much from the stupid boys at Hogwarts, but not even the Beauxbatons or Durmstrang boys had asked her. Well their champion Krum had asked her, but he was obviously just trying to make fun of her. And Stupid Potter had not even asked her.

'I still don't believe that nonsense that you defeated You-know-who and somehow caught his entire Inner Circle at the end of the tournament. I haven't quite figured out yet why Minister Bones is giving you the credit, did you bribe her somehow? But anyone can see it must have been an Auror force that caught the Death Eaters.'

She stepped directly in front of the still petrified and silenced Potter, and glared hard at him.  
'This is now our fifth year, Potter. I have studied hard all summer, and even taken extra teachers. I am _the Smartest Witch of our Age_. And yet you. Still. Beat. Me!'  
'Now I know you have something degrading in mind for your reward, but I will not give you the chance. And not a word from you, or I _will_ make you suffer, understood?'

Hermione looked Potter directly into the eye, until she was convinced he got the message. Then, with a deep breath to steady herself, she knelt in front of the wizard, and moved his robes up. She _had_ to do this, there was no way she would allow Potter to dictate the terms. He would take _service the winner_ in this direction, she was sure.

'Oh, that is nice...' she softly said, as she reached into his pants, and reached around a bit. 'I can't believe you're making me do this, Potter,' she said, and then pulled down his pants and briefs, and lowered her head over him.

* * *

A heavily flustered Hermione Granger stood back up on unsteady feet, and swallowed.  
'Horrible, horrible Potter!'  
The statement and glare failed to be impressive though, as she had a smile on her heavily blushing face.  
'I really can't believe you made me do this, Potter... but I _will_ beat you next time,' she stumbled back a bit, and straightened her robes.  
'_Relashio_', she cast the Unbinding Charm at Potter.  
'Remember Potter, not a word of this to anyone or you are one dead Wizard.'  
Potter was heavily flustered as well, and looked at her with the stupidest expression she had ever seen on his face, but began pulling up his pants as soon as he was released.  
'I don't want to hear a word Potter, so just release yourself from the Silencing Charm after I leave,' and Hermione stepped out.

* * *

'Potter! With me, now!'  
Hermione stood in front of the Ravenclaw, her hands on her hips and a glare on her face. Not only had he beaten her in the Ancient Runes test, but he had the audacity to go the Library instead of _demanding_ his _reward_ from her?

'Err listen Granger,' Potter began, 'what did I do now?' Potter's entourage, just about all the Ravenclaws in his year and the years below him, were also looking at Hermione, and she was fighting a blush that began creeping up.

'You know very well what you did Potter. We had a bet, remember? Now come with me!' Hermione stamped her foot.

'What? But I never agreed to another bet?'

How dare he weasel out of it! 'Potter, you have until the count of three before I begin hexing you. One, two –' Hermione had her wand pointed directly at Potter, and now he finally shot up.

'Sorry guys, she's mental, I gotta go with her,' he said to his friends. Hermione was really annoyed, _mental_? As if _she_ was responsible for this again. Disregarding the weird looks the Ravenclaws shot her, she stamped off to her room, and let Potter inside.

'Well? Sit down, so we can get this over with!' Stupid Potter, did he have to make it this hard for her?

'Listen Granger, I still don't know why you did _that_ the other day, but there's really no reason to –'

'Argh! _Silencio_! _Incarcerous_!' Potter was silenced and bound again, and she pushed him on the couch.  
'You love making me come after you and have to do everything myself, don't you? Very well Potter, one more time... but I will beat you next time.'

Hermione knelt in front of the captive wizard, and began her _service_.

* * *

This set the pattern for the following weeks. Every time there was a test, Potter would beat her as usual, and she had to track him down. After she had almost blasted down the door to the Ravenclaw Common Room to come collect him, he at least stopped trying to hide from her, and after the third week he just followed her to her room. He still protested his innocence, but fortunately he had stopped fighting her so she no longer had to cast the Binding Spell to get him to cooperate.

Now here they were in Defence Against the Dark Arts. Their teacher Everard Proudfoot was an Auror on loan from the Ministry of Magic, as Dumbledore had not managed to find someone willing to teach this year.  
They had had to write an essay on the protections that the advanced spell _Salvio Hexia_ provided, and he was now passing out the marked essays back to the class.

'Ms Granger, excellent work. An Outstanding effort, a little more detail on the visual effects and it would have been N.E.W.T. material,' the teacher smiled at her. Hermione's heart sunk. There was no way Pretty Potter – err Stupid Potter could have missed that.

Auror Proudfoot continued passing out the essays, and then came at Potter's desk.  
'Mr Potter, I don't know what to say. This is very unusual for you,' and he handed Potter back his essay. Hermione's curiosity was peaked. What had Potter done now? Had he rewritten the text book in order to show off or something?

Hermione was fidgeting all class, and cornered Potter as soon as they were released.  
'Potter, with me,' she glared at him, and stomped off to her room.  
Once they were alone, she rounded on him.  
'What was it this time? Outstanding with Distinction? A free pass for your N.E.W.T.s? A scholarship? Show me or the hexes start flying!'

Potter handed over his essay, a weird look on his face, and Hermione grabbed the parchment.  
'Troll? TROLL?' She could not believe her eyes. The essay was nonsense, it looked like Weasley had written it, it held no correct information at all!

'You win, Granger. I just couldn't figure out what to write,' Potter began, as Hermione was looking over the essay again and again, trying to see if Potter maybe had hidden some information in the margins, or in invisible ink, or _anything_.

'You beat me fair and square, so can we now finally stop this nonsense? I never demanded anything from you Granger, I respect you far too much,' Potter was blabbering on.  
'Really it is so confusing to me. I thought you hated me, but you and I, we, well we've been –'

Hermione began crying, and collapsed on the couch. Almost instantly, Potter wrapped his arms around her and began softly padding her back.

'There there Granger– Hermione, it's all good. No need to cry, you won, you don't need to degrade yourself ever again,' the idiot was telling her.

'Pot– Potter,' she sniffed, trying to regain control, 'you are so stupid, Potter, Harry.  
'Why did you deliberately fail your essay? Must you make fun of me all the time?'  
She wriggled out of his arms, and tried to glare at him.  
'Was what I was doing not enough for you? Did you have to condescend to me so much that you had to throw your education just to make a point? Did –'

And then Potter did the unthinkable, and kissed her... and she felt herself responding, wrapping her arms back around him and pulling him down on the couch with her.

Two very naked, sweaty, and happy teens were cuddling on the couch a long while later.

'Hermione Granger, will you be my girlfriend?'

'Stupid Potter,' Hermione giggled, 'you don't ask me this until I spend a month _servicing_ you and then trick me into your diabolical arms?'  
She snogged him deeply, 'yes, you stupid Wizard. I will be your girlfriend.'

After a passionate celebration, Hermione fell asleep cradled in Harry's arms. Her last thought was _I win, Potter_.

* * *

A little bit of Harmony fluff. Hope you like it.

If you want lemons in your fluff, go to HPFFA, link is on my profile.


	12. Doing Hermione a favour

**Doing Hermione a favour**

Don't-call-me-Nymphadora Tonks was drinking a cup of tea in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place. Last night had been hectic... the stealth flight with a very upset Harry Potter, and then the shouting match between the Boy-who-lived and his _friends_ who had abandoned him... it was not one of her favourite nights at all.  
At least the kids were talking again. She was the only guard at the moment, and the rest of the house was still asleep, it _was_ rather early.

'Tonks?' Hermione Granger had come down the stairs, and was looking a bit shifty, 'can I ask you a huge favour?'

Tonks wondered what was up, 'what is it Hermione?'

'Well you see... I kind of left home really suddenly, and feel guilty. Can you cover for me as I sneak back home for a few hours, so I can have a chat with mum and dad?  
'Mrs Weasley will probably just have us cleaning again, so if you can do my share, and not let on I left, I'll owe you a huge favour.'

'What, you want me to pretend to be you? "_Honestly_ Harry, did you do your homework? Ronald, _do_ close your mouth while you eat," she imitated the bushy-haired teen in front of her.

'I –I do _not_ sound like that!' Hermione huffed.

'Sorry honey, you kind of do. But okay, your awesome Auror friend will cover for you today. Are you sure you'll be all right?'

'You will? Oh thanks you Tonks!' Hermione hugged her, 'Yes, I'll be fine. I'll just use the tube and then a train to get back home, and I'll return here before dinner. Erm, do you need anything from me?'

'Let's get up to your room, I need to see as much as you as possible so I can do a proper mimic, and of course I need to change in your clothes. And you will owe me a huge favour, okay?'

Hermione nodded, and the two witches went back up to Hermione's room. She shared it with Ginny, but Ginny was still vast asleep. The young Weasley was snoring and drooling, she would not wake up any time soon.

Hermione locked the door, and then stripped down to her underwear, and asked with a blush 'is this good Tonks?'

'What size are you? 32A?'

'34A actually,' Hermione replied, then yelped a bit when Tonks touched her by the arm, 'what?'

'It is easier for me to take your form if I can touch you... let's see if this works...'  
Tonks' hair began to grow out, and got into Hermione's wild bushy shape, still pink. Then her facial features seemed to melt and she took on Hermione's appearance, and the rest of her body shrunk down a bit, until two identical twins were standing side by side... one with bright pink hair, the other brown.  
'Ooh, that was difficult... you have a nice compact body honey,' Tonks giggled, 'let me change clothes and we're good, right?'

'Erm Tonks, the hair colour?' Hermione pointed out, as Tonks stripped naked. She felt mortified, seeing her own naked body in front of her. Tonks had perfectly copied her, down to the triangle of fuzzy brown hair between her legs she had shaved the night before. Even her birth marks were in the right spot!

'Wot? Oh right,' Tonks said distractedly, as she stepped into one of Hermione's few skirts and a T-shirt. Then the hair shifted to Hermione's mousy brown colour.  
'All set!' Tonks twirled on the spot, showing herself off to the original body owner, 'I look hot!'

'_Honestly_ Tonks, no need to make fun of me,' Hermione huffed, 'and please don't ruin it for me, Professor Dumbledore will be so angry if he finds out I left!'

'No worries honey, Hermione Granger is on the case!' Tonks pumped her fist in the air with a giggle of her own, in Hermione's voice this time.  
'Come on, let's get you out of here before Lupin arrives to take over "Tonks's" shift.'

* * *

The real Hermione had barely left, when Remus Lupin entered the door. He found no Tonks, but Hermione Granger in the kitchen, sipping a cuppa.

'Hi Hermione, you're up early. Did you see Tonks anywhere?'

'Oh hi Re– err Professor Lupin, Tonks was called in for work and had to leave early today,' Tonks replied. _Darn, gotta watch I don't give it away!_ she thought.

'You can call me Remus Hermione,' Lupin smiled at her, 'I'm not your teacher any more. Well that is rather unprofessional of Tonks, but she's a little airheaded always... don't tell her I told you so!'

Inside, Tonks was angry, this was how the man she was crushing on a bit felt about her? Well he could forget about getting a ride on the Tonks train!  
'I won't Remus, my lips are sealed,' she replied as cheerful as possible.

Lupin poured himself a cup of tea, and began reading the Daily Pravda... err Prophet. A while later Sirius woke up and stumbled to the kitchen for some breakfast, and even later Molly Weasley arrived to cook some proper breakfast.

'Oh Hermione dear, go wake up Ginny and the boys will you? Breakfast will be ready in half an hour,' the Weasley matron said.

'Wait up Hermione,' Sirius said before Tonks could leave, 'Harry is not in Ron's room, he's on the other end of the hall. He changed rooms last night as he could not sleep with Ron's snoring, and he was still a bit angry.'

'Okay Mr Black,' Tonks replied, 'I'll go gather them.'

* * *

Ginny was rubbing herself heavily, mumbling _Oh Harry_ and related things as Tonks came in. She had kicked down the covers some and her pyjama pants were down.

'Gah! Ginny, stop that!' Tonks yelped. Ginny froze in shock, and pulled her pants back up.

'He– Hermione? Oh Morgana...' she had a full body blush, Tonks noticed.

'Ugh, lock the door next time will ya? What if your mum or someone else had entered?  
'Go take a shower, breakkie is in half an hour,' Tonks shook her – Hermione's – head, and stepped out again. That was _not_ what she wanted to see this early in the morning.

Not wanting to take another chance, she loudly banged on the door to Ron's room, 'Ronald Weasley! Get out of bed, breakfast is ready!'  
She heard a grumble from within, indicating the other red-head had at least woken up, and went to the end of the hall, to collect Harry.

'Harry?' Tonks asked, knocking softly on the door, 'you awake? Breakfast is ready.'

'Hermione? Leave me alone, I'm not hungry,' called Harry from within.

'You sure Harry?' Tonks asked, apparently he was still upset over the Dementor business and the lack of contact over the summer.

'I'm sure Hermione. Just... let me be okay?'

'If you're sure Harry...'  
Tonks went back downstairs, and told the assembled group that Harry needed some time alone. Molly Weasley wanted to protest, but Sirius and Remus overruled her.

After Tonks had eaten her own breakfast and the group began to leave the kitchen, Sirius called _Hermione_ back, and gave her a tray with a filled plate and goblet of pumpkin juice.  
'Can you bring this up to my godson? Even if he's angry, he still needs to eat. Maybe you can talk to him some? I'm sure he'll want to, and you are his best friend...'

'Isn't he closer to Ron?' Tonks had always head that Ron was Harry's 'best mate'.

'Don't be silly Hermione, what was it you said? Ron has the emotional range of a tea-spoon,' Sirius said with a laugh. 'Nah he'll talk to you if he'll talk to anyone. Take all the time you need, I'll make sure Molly lets you two be.'

Tonks nodded, and went up the stairs with Harry's breakfast. She again knocked on the door, 'Harry? I brought you some breakie, you need your food.'

It was silent within a bit, and then Harry opened the door. He was looking at _Hermione_ a little weird, Tonks thought, but then let her in and closed the door again.

'Just put the tray on the desk Hermione, then you can go,' Harry said with a wave indicating the desk, and sat down on the bed in the room.

'Nah Harry, you and me need to have a little chat,' Tonks said after she put down the tray, 'why don'cha tell me what's crawled up yer butt?'

Harry looked at her weirdly again, then grinned and patted the bed next to him, 'you sure you want to know... Hermione?'

Tonks nodded, and sat down, 'What is it Harry? Are you angry over the summer? It was all –'

And then Harry leant over, and kissed her deeply, pushing her down on the bed as he crawled partially over her.

_Oh Merlin, Morgana, and Maeve!_ Tonks thought, as the wizard snogged her deeply, _Why didn't Hermione tell me they were dating! That little b–witch owes me big after this! Ah well, a promise is a promise..._  
Tonks began kissing back, she _had_ promised Hermione not to ruin it, and Harry was a surprisingly good kisser. When he finally released her, she was breathing heavily, and didn't even register that Harry had begun taking off his shirt until she felt him pulling her own shirt up past her belly button.

'Har– Harry, what are you doing?' she asked, resisting his attempts to disrobe her slightly, not that it prevented Harry from having her shirt up to her breasts by now.

'Come on Hermione, it's been too long... don't you want me any more?' Harry said in a lust-filled tone, and Tonks suddenly felt one of Harry's hands creep up her leg, to her thigh, stroking her.

'Oh Morgana... we should not be doing this Harry...' Tonks sighed, but now let Harry lift her shirt up over her head. Once the shirt was removed, she felt Harry's hand on her breasts, and then slide under it. _How long have they been together? This is so good_, thought Tonks.

* * *

After the best screw of Tonks' life, Harry was lying down on the bed next to her. After a moment Tonks rolled on her side, and wrapped one leg over her lover. 'Wow...' she whispered, leaning in to kiss.

Harry kissed her back eagerly, 'Wow is right... that was the best ever...'

Tonks' hand moved lower, her fingers stroking down... and waking Harry up for another round.

* * *

What felt like hours later, there was a knock on the door, rousing Tonks from a happy sleep. She noticed with mortification that she had reverted to her own form at some point, and quickly looked over but found Harry asleep. Quickly she shifted back in Hermione form, and called 'Who is it?'

'Hermione? It's Sirius. Everything all right? You've been in there for hours.'

'All... all is good, Sirius. Harry and I had a deep long talk, he had a lot of frustration to work through. He fell asleep a little while ago?'

'Oh, okay then... just wanted to let you know dinner is in an hour,' Sirius called, 'come back down if you can okay?'

'Okay!' called Tonks back, then felt something stir against her rear. Harry was awake in more ways than one, apparently. She turned back, and kissed him deeply.  
'Hi lover, you hungry?'

'For you? Always babe,' Harry replied, pulling her on his lap, 'one more round before dinner?'

'Dinner? Oh Merlin!' Tonks shot up, away from the bed, 'Sorry Harry I have to run down quickly, maybe after dinner?'  
She had forgotten about the real Hermione for a moment!

'You promise me your full attention after dinner then... _Hermione_?' Harry asked, looking at her contemplatively again.

'Yes... oh Merlin yes Harry,' Tonks replied with a blush, as she quickly dressed. She left the room which was stinking of sex, and snuck down the stairs to the front door. Fortunately no-one was in the entrance hall, so she silently closed the front door behind her and called out 'Hermione?'

'_Finally!_' came from her right, as Hermione stepped out from behind the next door's front fence, 'I thought you had forgotten about me!'

'Sorry Hermione, Harry has kept me... _busy_ all day,' Tonks said with a deep blush. Good thing it was rather dark out here, and Hermione could not see her clearly, she did not want to have to admit she had been screwing her boyfriend all day.

'He is talking to me again? Perfect Tonks, I owe you hugely! I was sure he would keep a grudge for a few more days. How can I ever repay you?' Hermione beamed at the Auror.

'Oh, it's nothing Hermione... let me do a quick switching spell on our clothes, then you go back inside and I'll head home for some rest. Harry wants to see you directly after dinner, maybe you should bring it back up to him, he's in the last room on the third floor okay?' Tonks needed a good long bath.

'Okay,' Hermione replied, and Tonks performed the switching spell on their outfits.  
'Err Tonks, why is my shirt so crumpled? Did Molly make us clean again all day?' Hermione asked, as her outfit changed,

'Nah it's Harry, he had a lot of energy to work off,' Tonks said with a kind of grin, 'Bye now you lucky witch!' and she popped away to her own home.

Hermione opened the door and stepped silently back inside, wondering what Tonks meant. Was Harry practising duelling spells with her? That was so good, she'd need to thank the older witch for giving her– for giving Harry a better chance to survive.

* * *

'Hermy! I haven't seen you all day!' said Ron with his mouth half full of food, as Hermione stepped in the kitchen.

'Ronald, close your mouth while you're eating! That is _disgusting_,' Hermione huffed at him, as she sat down at the dinner table.

'Harry is still upset then dear?' asked Molly Weasley, as she served Hermione some food.

'Oh, err... yes, he is,' Hermione replied, 'I am going back to talk with him after dinner.'

'Hmm, that's good Hermione,' said Molly as she continued serving the plates, 'I'll give you a tray to bring up later.'

After dinner Hermione wanted to go back up the stairs, but was stopped by Sirius.  
'Hermione, two words: _Silencio_ and _Colloportus_,' the animagus grinned at her, giving her a wink.

Hermione wondered what that was about. Why would she need to silence and lock the door? But she set it out of her mind, as she knocked on Harry's door, bringing in his food.

'Hermione? Come in,' replied Harry, and Hermione stepped in backwards, closing the door. She then turned around, and her jaw dropped. Harry was sitting on his bed, buck-naked and stroking himself.

'Ha– Harry? Wha–?' she stammered, putting the tray down on the floor distractedly, 'Why are you– are you naked?'

In response, Harry stood up, and walked to her, 'I missed you Hermione, it was so wonderful earlier... I could hardly wait for your return,' then he kissed her. Hermione felt his hard... _thing_... press against her, as she fell into the kiss and her body began to respond.

_Tonks, what the hell have you been doing?_ she thought, hardly able to think as Harry's hands roamed all over her body. Before she was even fully aware what had happened, she felt herself being pushed back on his bed, her clothes somehow gone, and Harry was kneeling between her legs.

'Har– Harry? Stop?' she stammered out, but Harry was kissing up her legs, and reached her thighs. She didn't want to fight back too hard, apparently Harry and Tonks-as-her had been doing... that... and she could not let him know it had not been her, could she?

Harry had no intention of stopping, and all too soon Hermione's feeble protests turned to moans of pleasure, as Harry eventually brought her to the first orgasm of her life.

* * *

For a while the two lovers just lay there, still basking in the afterglow of their coupling.  
'Hmmmm... I've never felt so content before in my life,' Hermione sighed as she curled up against Harry, 'I love you Harry'.  
_Luckily he is probably naïve enough not to realise he took my cherry "again"_, she thought as she gazed lovingly at him.

Harry bent down to kiss her, 'I love fucking you Hermione,' he mumbled almost inaudibly, and she felt him stir again. She muttered 'again?' incredulously, and Harry took her to another climax. Hermione fell asleep just after Harry finished for the second time, with the biggest smile ever on her face.

* * *

_Score_, thought Harry as he gazed on the brunette well-fucked witch sleeping next to him.  
_Tonks is a horrible actor, and man was it easy to trick her into my bed... those girls at Privet Drive really did teach me well this summer. I am sure I made her cum multiple times. She must have really been hard up, I bet she hasn't gotten laid in months given how easily she got wet for me.  
And Hermione was a little reluctant at first, but oh so eager once I got her started... wow I was not expecting to take her virginity. Merlin is she a good fuck,_ Harry grinned, as he lovingly brushed her wild hair away.  
Harry yawned, and lied back down next to his lover. _Wonder if I can trick Ginny into giving it up for me tomorrow somehow?_ was his last thought before he fell asleep.

* * *

A/N: if you want the lemons, go HPFFA. It is being continued over there as the story is deep in NC-17 territory and I thus can't post it here.


	13. The Slytherin Solution

**The Slytherin Solution**

Draco was in full form again. Harry sat in his Potions class seething, as the inbred blonde git kept trying to throw volatile ingredients in the potion Harry and Hermione were making. Harry always hated it when the git bothered him, but today it was _really_ getting to him: he had been selected as the Fourth Champion in the tri-wizard tournament, despite not even entering himself, and now the entire school seemed to hate him again.

'Just ignore him Harry,' whispered Hermione, 'class is almost over.'

Their vampire-like Potions master glided over, 'a terrible effort by our champion and the know-it-all again...' Their teacher waved his wand, and the perfectly crafter potion disappeared from their cauldron.  
'Troll, Potter and Granger,' Snape said with a sneer, then passed over to Malfoy and Parkinson's table, 'perfect as always Mr Malfoy. An Outstanding effort.'

'That git!' hissed Harry at Hermione, 'he knows there was nothing wrong with it at all!'

'Oh Harry,' sighed his only friend, 'just let it be. There's nothing we can do about him.'

The class finished, and they left the dungeon. Outside, Malfoy was waiting for them.  
'Look, it's Scarhead and the Mudblood. You two should admissions to your freakshow: freak boy and beaver tooth!'

At the words 'boy' and 'freak', Harry began to shake in anger. 'You take that back Malfoy or I'll –'

'You'll what, _Potter_? Ten House Points for threathening a fellow classmate, I should think. Mr Malfoy, twenty Points to Slytherin for keeping a cool head,' Snape's slimy voice suddenly sounded behind them.

'But he started it!' whined Harry, before Hermione pulled him away to prevent Snape from taking more Points from their House.

'Harry, honestly, let it be. You can't possibly hope to win,' she tried to calm him down.

'Listen to the Beaver,' Malfoy sneered. He had followed them, 'you like being around your mudblood pet do you Potter? Well maybe I should make you two match!' Malfoy took out his wand, and shouted '_Densaugeo!_'

Harry was not about to lit the git hit him, so he shouted out '_Furnunculus!_' at the same time. The two jets of light hit each other in mid-air, and richoceted off at angles – Harry's hit Parkinson in the face, and Malfoy's hit Hermione. Parkinson screamed and put her hands on her pug-like nose where huge boils were springing up – Hermione was whimpering in panic, as her already protruding front teeth now were much elongated, passing towards her chin.

'And what is this noise all about?' said the evil voice of Snape, as he once again reached the group.

'Potter attacked me sir –', began Malfoy.  
'He attacked me and I defended myself!' tried Harry.  
'– and he hit Pansy, look –'

Snape examined Parkinson's face, which resembled a mushroom patch.  
'Hospital wing Parkinson,' Snape calmly said.

'The git hit Hermione!' Harry yelled, 'Look at her!'

Snape looked at Hermione, who tried to hide her face. The Slytherins were lauging at her, and so were Ron and Seamus, Harry angrily noticed.

'I see no difference,' Snape said. Hermione whimpered, and ran off. Harry didn't waste a second, and ran after her.  
'Fifty Points from Gryffindor for attacking a class mate, and week's detentions!' yelled Snape after him, as he reached Hermione.

Harry hugged his friend, and lead the crying girl to the hospital wing. On the way up they overtook Parkinson, who was also crying. She was nearly blinded by the boils and could hardly see where she was going.  
'Pansy, I am so sorry my spell hit you,' Harry said sincerely, 'I promise I'll make it up to you somehow.'  
Pansy just sniffled, but took Harry's other arm as he led the two girls to the hospital wing.

On the way a panting Colin Creevy ran up to them, 'Harry! Quick, come with me, they need you for the Tournament!'

'Not now Colin,' Harry replied, walking on, 'I have two girls that need me.'

'But Harry, they said I had to bring you now! There is a reporter and everything,' panted Colin, running after them.

'Tell them to get stuffed, I never wanted to participate anyway. I am making sure these girls are okay, and that's final,' Harry replied, and entered the corridor to the hospital. Colin looked after him, then with a shrug ran back down the stairs to let everyone know what Harry said.

Harry kicked open the hospital wing doors, and the matron frowned at him for a second, then saw the two girls.  
'Oh dear. Potter, lead Ms Granger to that chair,' she indicated one nearby, 'while I help Ms Parkinson. How did this happen?'

'Collateral duel damage,' Harry admitted. 'Pansy was hit by my spell, and Malfoy's hit Hermione.' He helped his friend sit, then stood next to her, slowly rubbing her back as she sobbed.  
'Please ma'am, neither of them deserves this. Is there anything I can do to help?'

Madam Pomfrey cast some spell over Parkinson's face and the boils began to recede, then stepped over to Harry and Hermione.  
'She'll need some help applying this cream to her face,' she indicated some white cream on a shelf, 'if you could help her while I take care of Ms Granger, that'll be a great help.'

Harry kissed Hermione on the top of her head and let her go, then took the cream and stood by Pansy's chair. 'Pansy, I am so sorry you were hit by the reflection. Please, let me help you.'

'I am ruined,' Pansy sniffled, 'my face, it is hideous now.'

Harry took out the cream, and gently applied it to her skin, where the boils and fungi began to disappear. Her nose in particular was hit badly. As he put the cream on, the skin began to heal, and her features straightened again.

'Pansy, you're gorgeous,' Harry said, taking a step back, and looking at her closely. Pansy had had a pug-like nose, but it had broken under the boils, and with Madam Pomfrey's spell work and the cream, it had been healed into a normal shape. It was now the cutest little button, slightly raising upwards, but perfectly complementing her face.

Pansy looked up at Harry, 'Are you making fun of me Potter?'

'No! Never. I meant it, I'll do anything to make up for hitting you,' Harry stammered. 'And I mean it, you're beautiful now.'

Pansy smiled, and her entire face brightened. 'Okay then Potter... thank you for the compliment. I'll let you know how you can make it up to me later.'

'All set,' said Madam Pomfrey, then walked back over to Pansy and Harry. 'Good job Mr Potter, looks like you got everything. Mr Potter, will you guide the girls back to the Great Hall for dinner?'

'Yes ma'am, thanks,' Harry said, then turned and looked at Hermione. She sheepishly grinned at him, her teeth were reduced again, but even were smaller than before: no longer could she be called a beaver, she now had perfectly sized teeth.  
'You... you're hot! You're absolutely hot, Hermione,' Harry let slip out, then slapped his hands in front of his face with a huge blush.

Hermione giggled in reply, 'well thank you Harry... let's get down to dinner, shall we?'  
Both girls took his arm again, and Harry guided them to the Great Hall.

Dinner was in progress when they arrived. Harry walked Pansy over to the Slytherin table, where Malfoy was holding court. He had not seen them yet.

'– and then my spell hit the Beaver, and Potter's hit pug-nose. Glad noone important was hit, right guys?' said the blond, and his friends laughed. Pansy froze on the spot, and Harry guided her back away again.

'Don't listen to them Pansy,' he said, in what he hoped was a friendly voice, 'you're a beautiful young woman. Malfoy must be either gay or blind.' Pansy smiled at him, and they walked to the end of the Gryffindor table, and sat down, Pansy on Harry's left, Hermione on his right. None of the Gryffindors wanted to sit near to the 'cheat', so there was no-one to comment on a Slytherin sitting at the lion table. Certain teachers did notice though, although Snape was fortunately absent.

Pansy, Harry, and Hermione began talking, and they found Pansy was actually a pretty friendly person, who just submitted to peer pressure easily. Harry thought he could easily befriend her, if she just stopped catering to Malfoy; and with what she heard him say about her, Pansy definitely was not going to go back to being his croney.

'I'm sorry for the badge Potter,' Pansy said, having taken it off in the hospital wing. 'Malfoy threatened everyone in our House if we would not wear it, and I didn't want to get in trouble.' Harry forgave her on the spot.

After a couple of minutes the doors opened again, and an angry Dumbledore stepped through. 'Harry, why were you not at the Wand Weighing Ceremony?' he demanded of Harry, drawing people's attention to the trio for the first time.

Harry angrily stood up, 'Professor Dumbledore, I was taking care of these two injured young women. I don't see why I need to participate in publicity stunts for this tournament I was entered in against my will anyway.'

'Regardless my boy, you must take part. Now come with me, we're late as it is,' Dumbledore insisted.

Pansy and Hermione shared a quick look, 'we're going with him,' Pansy declared. Dumbledore didn't hear their reply, as he had stepped back outside.

The girls waited outside the small classroom Dumbledore guided Harry in, but only a little later Harry stormed back out. 'That was a waste of time, first Mr Ollivander does something creepy to my wand, and then this ugly crone of a reporter tries to get me in a broom cabinet,' he ranted.

'Reporter? Not Rita Skeeter?' asked Pansy, and Harry nodded. 'Hold it here Harry, I need to talk to her quickly,' Pansy said, walking back to the room. She did not need to enter, as an angry Rita stepped out, glaring at Harry.

'Hello Rita, how have you been?' smiled Pansy at her.

'Oh! Parkinson's girl, Pansy was it?' Rita toothily smiled back, 'I am great dearie. Tell your father I am so grateful for the invitation should you see him.'

'It'll be my pleasure Rita,' Pansy smiled thinly. 'Have you met my close and personal friend Harry Potter? He's been having a rough time, being illegally entered in the Tournament, and both Severus Snape and Headmaster Dumbledore hounding him...'

'Close, personal friend you say?' Rita gulped, there went any idea of attacking him... Lord Parkinson was not someone who you insulted, or whose friends you attacked, if you fancied staying alife. 'I briefly spoke him, a fine and upstanding young man I believe he is,' she hastily added.

'Yes, thanks Rita,' Pansy smiled, 'I'll make sure to have him send you his account on the Tournament selection today. I'm sure a reporter such as you will represent him well.'

Harry and Hermione looked in in amazement, as their new friend played the reporter as they all went to the library. Pansy guided him in what to write, with help from Hermione, and the letter was sent off.  
Two days later the Prophet ran a three-page article with an 'exclusive interview' with Lord Potter – Pansy had insisted he sign that way – that detailed his unwilling entry, the foul behaviour of one Severus Snape, ex-Death Eater, and the unwillingness or incapability to act of one Albus Dumbledore.

Harry's life picked up after that. The Hufflepuffs still glared at him for competing against Cedrid Diggory, but he majority of the school seemed to settle down. Even the Slytherins were acting normally, with Malfoy being taken aside and beaten up – not that anyone officially knew this – by some of the older boys. In his place, Theodore Nott and Pansy took control of their year.

* * *

Harry found out about the First Task with a little help from Hagrid, and the two girls helped him study techniques for it. The idea of using a broomstick was veto'd by Pansy, who rightfully pointed out that Dragons could fly.  
'Dragons are reptiles Harry,' she pointed out, 'just blast it with an ice spell and while it fights off the cold, go get your egg.'

Easy said, easy done. Harry entered the Arena last, and shot an over-powered ice blast at the dragon. The dragon shivered in the cold, and curled over its eggs. Harry momentarily feared his plan had backfired, then the dragon kicked out the cold metal object from her nest, and the egg rolled halfway across the grounds. Harry rushed up to collect it, then was back in the safe zone before the dragon warmed up again.

He scored ten points from all judges, except Karkaroff, who gave him a six. He was firmly in first place now. Both his friends rushed up to hug and cheer him, then Ron Weasley came up.  
'Harry, I reckon whoever put your name in the Goblet is trying to kill you!' he said, very seriously. Then he saw Pansy, and narrowed his eyes, 'Oi mate, what is that slimy snake doing here?'

'Pansy is a friend,' Harry replied in a low voice. 'And unlike you, she believed me before I almost was murdered.'

'Yeah yeah, but she's evil mate. Drop her and we'll go and celebrate,' Ron replied.

'If that's how you think Ron, get lost. I know who my friends are.' Harry turned his back to Ron, and walked off with his friends. That was the last of a four-year friendship.

* * *

The announcement of the Ball came as a surprise to everyone. Harry was fretting about who to ask, then Pansy came up to him. 'You still owe me a favour Harry,' she said. 'I want you to take me to the Ball, Hermione is going alone. I will be your date, but you will dance with us both.'

Harry agreed, and when the Ball came he spent a lot of time dancing with both Pansy and Hermione. They were the envy of the Ball: Pansy had cleaned up beautifully with her new nose, and was easily one of the prettiest girls in the room. As for Hermione, she surprised everyone, even herself, by showing up in a beautiful dress and with her hair done up perfectly, all thanks to the Parkinson family connections. Hermione also shared a dance with fellow champion Victor Krum. He had asked her to be his date but she had diplomatically rejected, and Krum had gone with fellow champion Fleur Delacour instead, saving both of them the hassle of trying to find a date.

At the conclusion of the dance, Pansy and Hermione both kissed Harry deeply, their first kisses. Because of their old friendship Pansy let Hermione get Harry's first kiss, which worked in her favour as Harry knew a little what to do later.

'Harry, we're now dating,' Pansy blankly told him the next morning.

'But what about Hermione?' Harry asked, then fringed, when he realised he probably was stupid.

'Yes,' Pansy simply said, buttering her toast.

'What yes?' Harry blinked at her.

Fortunately Hermione came to the rescue, 'you're dating Pansy, as well as me,' she said, kissing him on the cheek, and getting back to her breakfast.'

'We're dating you Harry,' Pansy kissed him on the other cheek. A very confused Harry continued his breakfast.

* * *

The morning of the First Task Harry was prepared, he thought. But neither Hermione nor Pansy could be found, and he began panicking a bit.

Then he was out on the lake, and learned he had to collect a hostage. Fortunately Pansy had given him some gillyweed the evening before, which her father's contacts had found for her. Harry wondered which of his girls it would be, and where the other one was, when he dived down, chewing on the plant.

Rushed by concern over his girlfriend(s), Harry was the first to arrive in the Mermaid village. He saw Cho Chang, both his girls, and a little blonde girl tied up there. Harry took a sharp rock from the floor and began cutting loose Hermione's ropes, when a merman swam up and yelled something at him. Harry ignored him and continued cutting, then a spear was held in front of his face.

Angry, Harry silently cast _Stupefy_, and the merman dropped. None of the others dared approach him after that. While Harry was cutting Cedric arrived, and together they freed the four girls. Cedric took Cho and the little girl, Harry his girlfriends.

As they emerged from the lake, a stunned audience saw Cedric hand the little girl over to a crying Fleur, who thanked both him and Harry with a full-mouth kiss. It turned out to be her little sister. Fleur had gotten caught by some grindylows and had been disqualified. Krum was in the hospital tent, he had gotten too close to the Giant Squid and the beast had hurt him bad.

After some deliberation, the judges announced their decision by mouth of Dumbledore.

'For being first to arrive, and showing strength of character by rescuing all hostages, Mr Potter earns a full fifty points.' The crowd cheered, and Harry's girls kissed him.  
'For being second and assisting in the rescue, Mr Diggory earns forty points.' Hogwarts cheered again.  
'Ms Delacour and Mr Krum both failed in their task, and earn fifteen points for a good effort.' The cheers from Durmstrang and Beauxbatons were more subdued. Harry was firmly in first place.

* * *

The Prophet had a flattering article about Lord Potter and his girlfriends, and one Hogsmeade weekend Pansy's father requested a meeting with Harry. The trio went to Rosmerta's bar, and found Lord Parkinson waiting for them in a back room.

'Lord Potter, pleasure to meet you,' the stately wizard said.

'Likewise sir,' Harry replied. 'Your daughter has been a great help to me this year, I am glad we got over our initial dislike.'

'Yes, she mentioned as much in her letters,' Lord Parkinson replied. 'Lord Potter, what are your intentions towards my daughter?'

Harry blushed, 'well sir, I am not certain. I do like her a lot, but I cannot decide between either her or Hermione, for my later life.' Both girls beamed at that.

'And why is that a problem if I may ask?' Lord Parkinson looked with surprise, 'surely you are aware of your station?'

'Of what do you speak Lord – look may I call you by your first name please sir? I am Harry,' Harry said.

Lord Parkinson smiled for the first time, 'Lionel it is then, Harry. I am referring of course to your noble titles. You are Lord Potter, and thus head of the House of Potter as well as the House of Peverell. If your intentions are serious, nothing is stopping you from taking two wives.'

Harry gazed at him with open mouth, until Hermione closed it for him with a giggle. The girls looked at each other, communicated wordlessly, then looked back at Harry, who blushed under the attention, then looked back at Lionel.

'Lionel, in that case my intentions are to ask your daughter to marry me once we both are allowed to, if she'll have me.'

Pansy squealed, and began peppering Harry's face with kisses, as Lionel laughed and gave his permission.

The next day Harry wrote a long letter to Mr and Mrs Granger. Hedwig returned with a reply two days later, and Harry took his girls to an empty classroom after dinner. He sat them both side-by-side on a couch, then knelt in front of Hermione, and took out a box from a back pocket.

'Hermione Jane Granger, you have been at my side since I foolishly tried to defeat a troll by poking it in the nose. It has taken me several years, but I have finally come to the conclusion that I no longer wish to live my life without you by my side. I asked your parents for their greatest treasure, and they took pity on me and granted it to me.  
Hermione Jane Granger, will you be my wife and become the Lady Potter?'

Harry opened the box, and a beautiful white-gold and diamond ring was shown. Hermione wordlessly nodded, and held out her hand. Harry lovingly placed the finger on her finger, then Hermione screamed 'yes Harry, oh yes oh yes,' and kissed him with such force that they both fell back on the floor. Pansy looked on with a well pleased smile.

After a good long snog, Hermione sat back up, holding her hand in front of her and inspecting the new ring.

Harry knelt in front of Pansy now, who perked forward, anticipation on her face. 'Pansy Melissa Parkinson, I have only truly known you since this year, but you filled a void in my life I did not know existed. You helped me survive a dragon, protected me from the press, and brought an entire school around in my favour. Will you do me the honour of becoming my wife, as the Lady Peverell?' Harry opened the box, revealing a gold ring with a black onyx stone set on it.

'Yes Harry, I will,' Pansy smiled at him, and held out her hand. Harry lovingly took it, and placed the ring on her finger. Pansy beckoned him up, then gave him a deep, long kiss.

The next morning at breakfast a loud 'squeeeee!' from Lavender revealed to everyone that two of their number were wearing betrothal rings. The trio received congratulations from everyone except for Ron Weasley and a few Slytherins, even the teachers sans Dumbledore and Snape came up to congratulate them.

* * *

The third task finally came. Harry was far ahead, and reached the Trophy in the centre first. He took the trophy, and was suddenly whisked away to a graveyard.  
A horrifying ceremony later Lord Voldemort stood in front of him, and called his Death Eaters. The Dark Lord mocked and cowed them, then tried to duel Harry.  
Just as he held Harry under a Cruciatus spell, one of his Death Eaters took out his wand, and yelled 'Now!'  
Several of the Death Eaters pointed their wand at their colleagues, and fired disabling _Reducto_ or _Bombarda_ spells at them. Malfoy, Pettigrew, Macnair, Crabbe, Goyle, Avery all fell under the curses by their former friends. Parkinson, aided by his friends Nott and Greengrass, threw Killing Curses at the Dark Lord, who fell under the surprise attack. A black mist rose from the corpse, and quickly shot off to parts unknown.

Harry stood up unsteadily, just in time to behead a huge snake with a Cutting Curse, and blinked at the Death Eaters-turned-rescuers.

'Lionel? What the fuck?' he stammered, looking at the trapped pile of Death Eaters, who were being bound by Parkinson's friends, and the corpse of the Dark Lord.

'Language Harry,' Parkinson laughed. 'Did you really think I'd let my son-in-law get murdered by a half-blood whose time passed over ten years ago?  
'Nott, get out of your Death Eater garb, then go get Madam Bones would you?  
'Greengrass, could you apparate over to Hogwarts and let my daughter and Ms Granger know Harry is safe?'  
He then got to Harry, and gave him a post-Cruciatus potion to take care of the pain. Lionel and his other compatriots got out of their Death Eater garb, and waited for the Aurors to arrive.

Madam Bones appeared with a full force of sixty Aurors, and they quickly took stock of the situation. Finding multiple Death Eaters trussed up in ropes, the Boy-who-lived sitting with Lord Parkinson, and a dead body that looked like it was a failed partial snake animagus, she went to the two Lords.

'What in the name of Maeve's sagging tits happened here Lionel?' was her opening salvo.

'Amelia, glad you could come,' Lionel smirked. 'My future son-in-law here was the intended sacrifice for the resurrection of You-know-who. The traitor Pettigrew, that's him your Auror Gawain is standing over now, had taken Harry's blood and some other ritual items and had succesfully resurrected the Dark Lord. That's his corpse over there,' he pointed it out.

'I was summoned through my Dark Mark, and quickly called my fellow friends you see there to me before we had to leave to the thing that once enslaved us. They are all men of good character who like me made a mistake in the past, so they agreed to follow my lead.  
We came here pretending to be the Dark Lord's servants, but as soon as he attacked Harry here with a Cruciatus spell, we struck. My men took down the Death Eaters you see trapped there, and I, Nott, and Greengrass cast a Killing Curse at the construct.'

'Lionel, an Unforgivable? Damn... you should not have told me. I will have to arrest you three now,' Amelia sadly said.

'No Amelia, you won't,' Lionel smirked. 'Have the corpse of the Dark Lord checked – it is not human. Under the law, only casting the Unforgivables at a human target is illegal.'

Amelia blinked, then called over some Aurors. 'I'll have your story checked Lionel. For now, you are placed under arrest, as are Nott and Greengrass.'

'Very well Amelia, I won't fight you,' Lionel said. 'Good luck Harry. Talk about your godfather, and I'll speak to you again once I can. We have wedding plans to make.' He was lead away, smiling broadly.

Amelia took Harry's statement, and found it matched Lionel's story. 'What did he mean with your godfather Harry?'

'Ma'am, my godfather is Sirius Black. He is innocent, as I told the Minister last year, and Peter Pettigrew is the real traitor. Now that you have him, can he get a trial finally? He never had one, you see.'

Madam Bones promised to take care of it, and asked Harry for his memories of last year, as well as the night's fight.

Finally a tired Harry was sent back to Hogwarts with Auror protection. In his absence Moody had turned out to be a fake, as he had tried to attack Mr Greengrass when the gentle man tried to talk to Hermione Granger. Quick thinking by Mr Greengrass had _Moody_ subdued, and to everyone's surprise he turned out to be Barty Crouch Junior instead.

The Auror team that had come to arrest Mr Greengrass also took Crouch Jr with them, over Fudge's protests.

* * *

The following days Fudge resigned over the outroar of his association with Malfoy, who was now a confirmed Death Eater and sent to Azkaban, and new Minister Bones wasted no time in calling a trial for Sirius Black. Before the school year was over, Sirius was a free man, had been paid thousands of galleons as compensation, and had been registered as Harry's guardian.

Dumbledore protested loudly at everything, but could do nothing to stop it. He used up his political capital to protect Snape, who all captured Death Eaters confirmed was a Death Eater loyal to their Dark Lord, and in the end Snape remained a teacher and free man, but Dumbledore lost his positions at the Wizengamot and ICW.

Harry was crowned the Triwizard Champion, and Cedric, Fleur, and Viktor all were happy for their young 'opponent'. Harry kissed his girls goodbye at the last day on Kings Cross station, and they promised to write. Harry went home with Sirius.

The next year was uneventful. With so many Dark Slytherins caught, Malfoy and his ilk left the school, heading to Durmstrang instead. The remaining Slytherins turned out to be very nice people, and for the first time in ages the feud between the lions and snakes stopped, heralded by the couple of Harry and Pansy.

The summer prior to his sixth year Harry turned sixteen, and on his birthday he married Pansy Parkinson in a wizarding ceremony in the morning. Pansy was given away by her father, Harry of course by Sirius. Hermione was the maid of honour.  
After a beautiful ceremony and reception, Lord and Lady Peverell crossed over to the Muggle side, and Harry wed Hermione in a Muggle church, with again Sirius giving him away, but Mr Granger giving Hermione to the young man. Pansy Peverell was Hermione's maid of honour.

Following another reception, the trio took a portkey to the British Virgin Islands, where Harry cured both girls of the condition that gave the island group its name that night in a large wedding suite in a Wizarding Hotel. The next morning they found Harry's scar had miraculously disappeared over night.

Across the world, several items melted away. An old locket, an ornate diadem, a ring, and a beautiful cup were all destroyed harmlessly. In an Albanian forest, a dark spirit which had not been able to take over any body could not handle the love flowing through a link and died, and was sucked down to Hell for all eternity.

* * *

Thirteen years later a dark-haired man stood on platform nine-and-three quarters, embracing his wives as they saw their eldest take the train. James Potter and Lionel Peverell were born two months apart, and the half-siblings were the best of friends. Harry smiled at his wives, and his five other kids running around; his twin nine-year old girls by Hermione; his ten-year old son and eight-year old sister by Pansy; and finally his youngest son, seven-year old Sirius Remus Potter.  
All was well.

* * *

A/N: my own take on the derailing of the Tournament, as well as an attempt to redeem Panty Parkinson. Please let me know if I succeeded.


	14. Choosy Unicorns

**Choosy Unicorns**

Harry had had a skip in his step ever since the Yule Ball, Ron noticed. He himself had left early as Padma grew tired of him, and the last he had seen was that Harry spent a lot of time dancing with not just both Indian girls, but also just about every other girl in their year – even some Slytherins. Ron had waited up for Harry or Hermione to return, he wanted to lay into Hermione for going with _the enemy_ (or Viktor Krum as others called him), but had fallen asleep instead.

Everybody was remarkably close-lipped about the Ball the following day, and the red-head had paid it no more mind. Now they were going to Care of Magical Creatures class.  
'I reckon the Skrewts will warm us up nicely, if they haven' burn' Hagrid's cabin by now, eh mate?' he called out to Harry, getting a laugh in response. But Hagrid was not by his cabin, instead there was an elderly witch with grey hair, and a rather large chin.

'Hurry up now, we're already late,' she egged the class on, as they walked to her. Ron loudly asked where Hagrid was, getting only the reply that the woman was temporarily taking over, and her name was Wilhelmina Grubbly-Plank. Harry didn't seem to concerned, the black-haired wizard was helping some of the girls navigate the rough terrain, Ron noticed. Shortly they arrived at the stables, where the Beauxbatons Abraxans were kept.

The teacher led them past it, and at the edge of the forest, a majestic unicorn was tethered to the ground. Most of the girls 'ooooohed!' as they spotted it.

'It's beautiful,' whispered Lavender Brown, 'wonder how she caught it? They're supposed to be nearly impossible to trap!'

The unicorn was a bright shining white, with perfect manes, and golden hooves. As the class approached, it began kicking the ground nervously.

'Boys, keep back!' yelled Professor Grubbly-Plank, throwing out an arm and hitting Harry across the chest. Harry and most of the girls glared at her. 'They only tolerate a virgin's touch, unicorns. All girls to the front, and approach it carefully.'

Many of the girls hesitated, Ron noticed. Only Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bulstrode walked up towards the Professor and the unicorn. Professor Grubbly-Plank looked back, 'come on now girls! Up you come!'

Lavender Brown hesitatingly took a step towards the unicorn, which began to bristle in anger, and she hastily stepped back. Professor Grubbly-Plank looked on, boggled. 'I have no idea what is going on here. You there,' she pointed at Hermione, 'approach.'

Hermione stepped forward, and the unicorn became restless again. 'Most peculiar,' the Professor said, 'they never respond to girls this way normally. You next,' she indicated the last Gryffindor girl, Parvati. Again, the unicorn protested.

Next the Professor tried the Slytherins. Daphne Greengrass and Tracey Davis were both rejected as well, and Professor scratched her head. Only Millicent Bulstrode and Pansy Parkinson were at the front, and she could not work like that.

'My apologies class, something is wrong here and I cannot tell what. Let's skip the unicorn for today, and instead go look at the Abraxans.' She stepped out of the paddock, and lead the class back to the stables.

'Harry, you coming mate?' called Ron back, as Harry lingered near the gate, all the girls except Millicent and Pansy around him.

'Nah you go on mate, I got something in my shoe,' Harry said. Ron walked on, talking with Seamus.

Harry and the girls appeared at the stables a little later, his hair and clothes ruffled, and a slap visible on his face. The girls were still glaring at him. 'Don't ask mate, girls are mental,' he answered Ron's raised eyebrow, as they listened to the lecture.

* * *

'Albus, I cannot work under these circumstances,' Wilhelmina complained to the Headmaster later that Monday. 'I had the combined Gryffindor and Slytherin class before lunch, and the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws after it. Out of all 16 girls, only two were accepted by the unicorn! I know your savage caught it, are you sure that is a normal unicorn?'

Dumbledore stroked his beard, 'Professor Hagrid can be a little rough, but he is no savage. Do not believe Rita Skeeter's lies Wilhelmina,' he answered. 'I am certain he found a normal unicorn, you'll be able to confirm this tomorrow, won't you?'

Wilhelmina sighed, 'I have the seventh-years tomorrow Albus. You know as well as I do that that won't work out.'

'I see, I see,' Albus didn't see, but stalled for time. 'Wednesday then. You have the third-years, correct?'

'Yes Albus,' Wilhelmina confirmed, 'okay then. I'll test again Wednesday, but if the anomaly continues, I want a new unicorn or I am not teaching the class!'

* * *

Tuesday morning Ron noticed the girls were happy with his mate again, which made him happy as well. Being so close to the target of their ire was not his idea of a good time. He wondered where Harry was in the morning when he woke up, though, and confronted his friend at breakfast.

'Oh Ron, I found a different sleeping place for now. With the egg being so loud and its screeches you see, I didn't want to interrupt your sleep,' Harry replied. Hermione padded him on the back of his hand when he answered that, and went back to feeding him, together with Susan Bones from Hufflepuff, who had inexplicably taken seat on Harry's other side today, moving Ron over to the other side. But girls were mental, so no need to discuss that.

Wednesday morning it was the Patil twins sitting next to and feeding Harry, 'Erm Harry, what is with the girls?' Ron asked, with the girls in question sitting next to Harry. They shot him evil glares, and Harry shrugged, 'they're just being friendly Ron. No rule against that innit?'

* * *

Wilhelmina was upset, and she let Dumbledore know this. 'I want a new unicorn Albus! I have two months of unicorn studies planned for all years, but none of the girls with the exception of two Slytherin fourth years, and one Slytherin sixth year, will be allowed near the one I currenlty have! How can you expect me to teach a class when the creature in question is not behaving?'

Albus stroked his beard, five-hundred and twenty, five-hundred and twenty-one, five-hundred –

'Albus!' Wilhelmina screeched, and Dumbledore cursed under his breath as he lost count.

'Very well Wilhelmina, I will have a new unicorn caught. It will be ready next Monday. Maybe you can discuss another creature in the mean time, won't that be more fair to the boys?'

'Albus, I took this filler job on one condition, you let me teach the class my way,' Wilhelmina put her foot down.

* * *

Ron noticed the duo of girls that insisted on feeding Harry alternated each meal, with all the witches from third-year and up included, excepting Parkinson, Bullstrode, and Camilla Bletchley, a sixth-year Slytherin. If a Slytherin was involved, they even ignored Malfoy's taunting, or in the case of a Slytherin/Hufflepuff seventh-year duo, actually forced Malfoy to shut up!

Professors McGonagall and Snape tried to stop the ritual from happening as well, but Hermione Granger, supported by the Head Girl, pointed out that there was no rule against sitting at another's table, or one or more students feeding another.

And Harry just smiled, not caring at all. Girls were mental, Ron thought, and it must be contagious, for his best mate had also caught insanity.

The _fresh_ unicorn had the same symptons, and an annoyed Professor Grubbly-Plank left the school again. Dumbledore convinced Hagrid to start teaching again, with some help from Harry, Hermione, and Ron, and Ron thought all was well again, only the girls kept acting weird.

* * *

'Good to have you back teaching Rubeus,' Dumbledore told the Half-Giant as they were up in his office.

'Ain' a problem sir,' Hagrid sheepishly replied, 'I'm jus gla' to get a chance ta return.'

'Hogwarts will always have a place for you my boy,' Albus nodded. 'Now maybe you can shed some light on the mysterious behaviour of the unicorns? Professor Grubbly-Plank was unable to find a single speciment that allowed girls near it.'

'Ah tha's simple Headmaster,' Hagrid replied with a grin. 'They's proud beasts y'know, and only accept th' touch a' virgin, or married wimmin.'

Albus nodded, that confirmed what he knew, 'and why else would a unicorn reject someone, if not unvirgin or male?'

'Well if ya gone hurt one o' dem, dey stay away from ye, 'Hagrid replied.

'That can't be it,' Alnus shook his head. So it either thinks the girl hurt it, or thinks they are not virgins? All of them? Preposterous,' he added.

'I know da Headmaster,' Hagrid confirmed, 'tha' cannae be it.'

* * *

Up in the Room of Requirement, Harry laid snuggling with the latest batch, Cho Chang, and Luna Lovegood. He had no idea what the mechanics were behind which girls got selected, but every morning two girls would be assigned to him somehow, apparently at random from the entire Hogwarts populace which was female and a third-year or higher, and not one of the three blacklisted ones. Then before dinner the next group was rotated in, only to be swapped again the next morning.

Speaking of which (or witch), there was Hermione with her whistle. She blew it, and Cho and Luna extricated themselves from Harry, planting kisses on his face before they got out.

'Marietta, Lavender, you're up,' Hermione told the two, and Marietta Edgecomb from Ravenclaw and Lavender Brown from his own house squeeed with joy. Hermione handed Harry a Pepper-Up Potion, then gave him her time-turner she had kept since last year, and Harry jumped back three hours with the two lucky girls.

Harry thanked the gods, whoever they were, for giving him the power to shoot chocolate flavour from _there_, a chocolate that tasted perfectly but had 0% fat.

He had accidentally let this slip during his dance with Parvati, and with judicious time turned jumping and the magic of the Pepper-Up Potion, had managed to prove this to the entire female student roster third-year and up, and even to Professor Aurora Sinistra, that very Ball night.

_No wonder Professor Grubbly-Plank couldn't find a unicorn that worked out_, he grinned, as he leant back and enjoyed himself. And the only negative outcome thus far was one day of anger from the girls, as they were deprived the opportunity to see a unicorn up close... win, as far as Harry was concerned.


	15. The Last Stand

The Last Stand

'This is it people... we've no way to escape,' Harry paced nervously in the Room of Requirement.  
'We've lost so many of our number to the enemy, we all recall the screams of Seamus as he was dragged off...' Harry and many others shuddered, recalling the horrible incident.

'And poor Colin... so young he left us, we were too late to reach him before the enemy got him in their hands. Too many others were lost.'

Harry looked up, and walked directly in front of the Defence Assembly, 'We failed to stop them when they came for Hogsmeade. We failed to stop them when they took over the Great Hall. We failed to stop them when they took our dormitories. Well I say, the line must be drawn here! Let this hidden room be our last battlefield. We shall not be taken, and we shall give no quarter. The fight will continue until the last of us is taken!'

His men cheered, and Harry felt ever the general. Granted a general with only about two dozen men left, but still, he was the last and only hope for the Hogwarts student to stand against the evil. Professor Dumbledore had fallen, as had Professsor Flitwick. Even Snape who many still hoped would be on their side, had fallen eventually. And Harry suppressed a tear over the loss of his first wizarding friend, the gentle half-giant Hagrid, who had been dragged from his cabin at the edge of the forest in the night.

'We cannot afford to lose,' Harry continued in a softer voice. 'The enemy is relentless. All our exits have been blocked off, and it is only the nature of this room that protects us. I thank our friends the House Elfs for bringing us food, washing our clothes, and making sure we can continue,' he smiled at the few Elfs gathered, proudly among them Dobby.

'The Great Master Harry Potter Sir is thankings us,' Dobby's loud high-pitched voice tittered to his comrades, who looked away from the hyperactive being.

'I am afraid men,' Harry continued, 'yes I admit it. We are outnumbered, and the enemy is a smart one. Without a doubt our location is now known... Ron! Tell me, where is the enemy now on the Map?'

His red-haired second-in-command rolled out the parchment map and used the password, then inspected it.  
'Oi mate, we're done for... they're all over the seventh floor. _She_ is there with them... no doubt trying to open the door.'

Harry shuddered, and many others with them. _She_ was the enemy's worst fighter. Unpredictable, crazily creative, and a damn hot body – no! Never think like that!  
'Damn Ron... you sure about that? I... I can't face _her_, not after all that... all that she did...'

Dean Thomas slapped him on the shoulder, 'Get a hold of yourself man! We _need_ you Harry. Without you, there is no hope of escape left. Think man, what can we do? Where can we go?'

'Oh why did I ever trust someone like Potter?' whined Justin Finch-Fletchley, 'I could have just let them take me... at least this torture would be over by now.'

'Justin!' interrupted Wayne Hopkins, 'are you insane man? That's what the enemy _wants_ you to think, so you'll give up! Keep strong man... Harry will get us out of here.'

'Oh will he?' a silky-smooth female voice suddenly sounded from near the door. As one, the D.A. turned, and blanched as _She_ was there, with all of the enemy's troops behind her. Harry backed away slowly.

'Now don't you get any ideas... I will never surrender,' he said with a trembling voice, trying to raise his wand.

'Awww... does widdle Hawwy want to play?' She mocked him, and threw her arms back, pushing her ample breasts forward. 'Do it then Harry, strike me down here and now... this is your best chance.'

Harry shakingly lifted his wand, and aimed it at her. 'St– st– stu– I can't!' He dropped his wand, and followed it down to his knees.  
Seeing their leader fallen, the other D.A. members dropped their own wands, and resigned themselves to their fate.

'Please, don't be cruel to them... they are good men, every one,' Harry pleaded, as he knelt before _her_.

'Aw don't worry Harry-poo... I know just what to do with them,' she smirked, then turned back. 'Take them, and search the room for anyone hiding! We've won!'  
The enemy cheered, and Harry knew no more as he was stunned.

Harry woke up groggily much later. It was morning again, so he must have been out for a few hours. He was in the Gryffindor dormroom that had been his home for the past years, and with him was only Ron Weasley.

'Hi Harry,' Ron said miserably, 'they got through anyhow din' they?'

'Looks like it Ron,' Harry said with a sigh, and got to his feet. 'What's the sit rep sergeant?'

'Bad general,' Ron answered. 'We're locked in here, I have no idea where the others are. We get our food from House Elfs, but it does not look like we'll be allowed out before the enemy is ready for us.'

'Contingency plans?'

'None Harry, cor you know that mate... we both knew it wouldn't last. Maybe we oughta accept our fate?'

Harry sat back down, his hands on his head. 'I tried Ron, I tried. You know that, right?'

'Yeah mate, you did your best. None of the guys blames you.'

Harry gave a weak smile to his best friend, 'any idea when they'll come for us two?'

'I reckon I'll be first, you'll be offered up at the end... the enemy would want to make a spectacle out of you. Damn Harry, I'm afraid enough as it is.'

'Sorry Ron,' Harry replied. 'I promise I won't bring it up again... so how about a game of chess while we still can?'

The two trapped wizards took Ron's chess set from his trunk, and began playing. Harry lost of course.

The next morning, Ron was gone. Harry spent all day working himself into a frantic mess of nerves, trying desperately to escape, but there was no way he could get out. Eventually he fell asleep, exhausted.

'Wakey wakey little Harry,' _her_ voice roused him from sleep.

'So it's you,' Harry spit back at her, 'come to finish the job then? Am I the last one left then now?'

She laughed, throwing her head back, 'you know you are Harry. Now be a good little boy and let my friends take care of you, the ceremony is starting soon. Don't fight it, you know it's senseless.'

Harry sighed, and got up. She was right, he knew. She lead him to the Gryffindor Common Room, where people he did not know were waiting.  
'Dress him, and make him presentable. This is the big day,' she ordered them, then left the room.

Harry was stripped down to his boxers, and measured in all places likely and unlikely. A hairdresser tried to make something of his mop of hair, and with what seemed litres of Sleakeasy, a little semblance of control was brought in it. Meanwhile his outfit was being prepared in the room, and Harry was forced to dress. He looked like a lamb for the slaughter, he thought... exactly how he felt.

The enemy sent guards to collect him, and Harry was pressed between them as he was brought to the Great Hall. It was filled completely, everyone who was anyone in Wizarding Britain seemed to be there... as he looked around, he only had eyes for his fallen comrades. He felt so guilty not to be able to protect them. Then he was delivered into the hands of Remus Lupin.

'Remus, so they got you as well did they?' Harry sardonically smiled, he had not seen the Wolf in what seemed like ages. 'You on their side now then Remus?'

'Harry, stop resisting,' Remus said, smiling down at his sort-of-godson. 'It will be over before you know it. And it's not as bad as you think, trust me.'

'I know Remus, I know...' Harry sighed, and embraced the Wolf. 'Thanks for being here in my last moments.'

'Any time Harry. Marauders stand behind their friends until the end,' the Wolf replied, as they extricated themselves.

Remus led Harry down the centre of the Great Hall, to the High Table where that stooge, the so-called Minister was waiting. Harry stood defiantly in front of the room, waiting for his fate to come.

Then all eyes were to the back of the room, as dooming music began playing, and _she_ approached, dressed in her own ritual outfit. She glided down the centre of the hall until she was standing there with Harry, and gave him one of her evil smiles.

The deadly music silenced as the Minister began speaking: 'Dearly Beloved, we are gathered together here in the sign of Magic – and in the face of this company – to join together this man and this woman in matrimony, which is commended to be honourable among all men; and therefore – is not by any – to be entered into inadvisedly or lightly – but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly. Into this estate these two persons present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together – let them speak now or forever hold their peace.'

Harry was doomed, as he gazed into her eyes, and Hermione Granger smiled back at him. The Great Hall had fallen silent, with his now married friends watching them, Ron with his Lavender, Colin and Ginny, Seamus and Sally-Anne, and all the rest.


	16. Luna and Stubby 1

**Luna and Stubby 1**

A lonely blonde Ravenclaw second-year sat at the edge of the stands for her House, as they watched the Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff. It was supposed to be the season opener of Gryffindor versus Slytherin, but the sneaky snakes had managed to get out of playing on this day. The weather was getting worse and worse, and the crowd began leaving for the shelter of the castle as rain started pouring down. Not so the blonde, she was watching the game being played out above her.

'This is madness, we'll catch our deaths out here,' said Cho Chang to her friend Marietta. 'Come on, let's leave. Potter will probably win as usual.'

'Oh look Cho, it's Loony Lovegood,' sneered Marietta as the two fourth-years passed by the blonde girl. 'Who do you think Loony is lusting after Cho?'

'Well Loony? Is it Cedric, or are you after Potter?' Cho spat at the little girl, then pushed her off her seat. 'Must be cold out here without your jacket,' she laughed.

'Oh hello Cho Chang. Yes it is cold, my jacket and socks are missing again. Hopefully the nargles haven't taken them. And while Cedric Diggory is a nice boy, I think Harry Potter is much better boyfriend material,' Luna replied in a dreamy voice.

'Cedric is mine, you little bitch,' Cho pushed Luna again, causing her to stumble down the steps. 'And Potter? He probably doesn't even know you exist. Why don't you do us all a favour and get yourself killed by Sirius Black?'

'Yeah Loony, nobody likes you. Get lost,' Marietta added, pushing Luna down further.

'I think daddy would like an interview with Sirius Black, so I think I _will_ go look for him. I can hardly watch the game as it is, from down here. Bye!' Luna skipped off, away from her tormentors.

'That girl is crazy,' Cho said in a disbelieving tone.

'Just like her nutball father,' Marietta added. 'Come on, we'll go put some porcupine quills in her bed. We can't let the little bitch get away with ignoring us like that.' Tittering, the girls left.

Luna was walking under the stands, looking for any sight of Sirius Black. Logic dictated he would be nowhere near a Quidditch stadium with dementors nearby, and since wizards lacked all logic, he was almost definitely nearby.

She squinted her eyes hard until she saw light in her vision. 'Oh there you are,' Luna said with a smile. 'Thank you nargles, I do like it when you show me the way.' Following the 'lights', Luna went out from under the stands, away from the stadium as she drifted towards the Forbidden Forest.

In the Quidditch match, Harry was shivering far above in the clouds, when suddenly a swarm of dementors rushed towards him. He felt his consciousness slip away, and then he began falling down, passed out.

Meanwhile Cedric Diggory caught the snitch, and looked up in victory, but then he saw Harry fall toward him. From the teacher's stand came a loud '_Arresto Momentum!_', and Harry's deadly fall was stopped.

The dementors broke off from their pursuit of the tasty snack, two souls for the price of one, as teachers began casting Patronuses. Instead they veered off towards the forest.

Luna saw a large black dog rush away from the stadium, straight towards her. 'Hello Padfoot,' she smiled at the dog, and it stopped in its tracks, gazing at her. 'I didn't know you liked Quidditch Padfoot,' Luna added, dancing around in the rain and avoiding the puddles. The dog walked with her, watching her closely. 'Is the game over then? I wonder if Harry won again. He is rather talented don't you think?'

The dementors felt a slight reflection of the aura of their main target, and rushed to the forest. There they saw not Sirius Black, but a lone student with a dog. Hungry, one dementor broke off from the main group, and descended towards the girl to feast on her soul.

Luna saw the puddles of rain around her freeze, and looked at the dog. 'Mr Padfoot, are you doing that? I didn't know dogs could control the weather. Are you really a dog, or are you a Peruvian Weather Hound?' She looked up, and saw dark shadows fly towards her. 'Oh I don't think I like those things...' Luna began to shiver, as she saw her mother's last seconds of life before her eyes, then began to cry, as the dementor reached her, and reached for her face with its bony claw.

Padfoot the dog was terrified as the dementor swooped down, but they ignored him, and went straight for the little girl that had somehow been calling him by his Marauder name. But now she was in mortal danger, as the demon prepared to kiss her!

Padfoot morphed into his human form, and Sirius Black, the most wanted fugitive in both Muggle and Wizarding Britain, faced a dementor again. Fighting his fear he raised the wand he had stolen from a drunken wizard in Knockturn Alley at the demon, and yelled '_Expecto Patronum!_'

Only a white mist left his wand, as he had few positive memories left thanks to Azkaban. But the mist was enough to deter the lone dementor, and with a hiss of pain and anger, it flew off.

'Oh damn, girl, are you alive?' Sirius rushed to Luna, and found her pale, but shivering and thus alive. 'Damn that was close... here, take this...' he took some chocolate he had stolen from Hogsmeade out of a pocket, and basically forced it into her mouth. Luna instinctively chewed and swallowed, and a light colour reappeared in her face. She blinked a bit at Sirius, then her face lit up with a smile.

'Hi Padfoot! Thank you for the chocolate. That was a rather unpleasant experience,' she stood up, and brushed her wet robes. 'I am Luna Lovegood, pleasure to meet you,' she curtsied. 'You are the first reverse animagus I've ever met. I didn't know dogs could learn to become human. Did you go to Dogwarts School of Magic?'

'Dogwarts? Reverse animagus?' Sirius goggled at her, had the dementors taken her sanity? 'Erm Luna, I am not a dog... I am a wizard. The dog is my animagus form. How did you know I call that form Padfoot?'

'Oh, that is rather disappointing,' Luna pouted. 'I was so hoping I had found a magical creature Mr Padfoot. And of course you are Padfoot, or do you prefer a name like Snuffles?'

'No, no, Padfoot is fine,' Sirius replied. 'Look Luna, maybe you should go back to the school now, it must be close to curfew right? Please, don't tell anyone you saw me okay?'

'Well okay Padfoot,' Luna smiled. 'Bye for now then!' She skipped off towards the school, leaving a confused wizard behind. A little later he came back to his senses, and morphed to dog form again, and ran off to his own hiding place.

* * *

Two days later the weather was possibly even worse, and most of the student body stayed in their dorms. But one lonely girl was sitting outside near the lake, taking shelter under a tree as the rain poured down. Padfoot the dog saw her, and after a little hesitating walked over to her. Luna smiled at the not-a-dog, 'hello Padfoot. Would you like one of my sausages?'

Padfoot looked around, saw they were alone, and changed to human form. 'Thanks Luna, I am rather hungry. Here, let me.' He cast a rain repelling and warming charm on the girl, who beamed in thanks. Sirius attacked the sausage, and gulped it down almost without chewing.

'Ah... just what I needed. Why are you outside all alone Luna? Shouldn't you be inside where it is warm?'

'Oh, I can't enter the Ravenclaw tower, and if I go to the library or elsewhere there are students who chase me away, so I thought I would go outside,' Luna said in a happy tone.

'Erm, why can't you enter the tower?'

'Well I don't know if I should tell you so, but our House guardian looks if you're in Ravenclaw, and then asks a riddle. Only someone told it to ask me a rather difficult one, and I am not allowed to enter.'

'Well what does it ask you?' Sirius smiled at the girl, he could help her out.

'Erm, let's see...' Luna stood up, and declared: '"If a man from Hogsmeade tells you that all men from Hogsmeade are liars, can he be telling the truth?"'

'Well obviously the answer is –' Sirius started, then hesitated, 'Err no wait...'

'It's no trouble Padfoot,' Luna smiled. 'They'll let me in eventually, and if not, I can sleep in the owlry again. It is nice and warm there.'

Sirius felt his heart break at the obviously bullied girl.

'Luna, have you tried going to your Head of House with this?'

Luna's face fell. 'I did in my first year, but it was not helpful. Professor Flitwick told me that it is my own responsibility to make friends. And after they learned I tattled, they locked me up in a broom closet over night... and I really do not like the dark, Mr Padfoot.'

Sirius growled, 'that's not right Luna. Nobody deserves that.'

'Maybe you can break into the Ravenclaw dorms next time then? I am sure that if we are all forced to sleep in the Great Hall once more, they cannot lock me out,' Luna smiled again.

'Oh... er... you know who I am then?' Sirius was a little stunned, if she knew he was the supposed murderer, why was she so calm?

'Of course Padfoot!' Luna pulled in her bag, and took out a copy of _The Quibbler_. 'Daddy wrote all about you here. Only he doesn't mention that you are also a dog, Mr Boardman!'

'May I see that Luna?' Sirius was handed the tabloid, and saw a picture of himself taken back before his Azkaban days, with the by-line 'Stubby Boardman, lead singer of the Hobgoblins'. The article went on to talk about Stubby being sighted, and that the eclectic group may be re-uniting.

'Erm Luna, do these Hobgoblins really exist?'

Luna smiled widely, 'yes Padfoot, or should I say Mr Boardman? You should speak with my daddy, he is your manager, remember?'

Sirius scratched his neck, thinking. If there was any truth to this, maybe he could get a workable alias?

'Luna... can you write to your father and ask him to meet me in the Hog's Head pub tomorrow afternoon?'

Luna confirmed this, and soon after Sirius changed back to dog form, and left.

* * *

A nervous Sirius was sitting in the disreputable bar, a charm obscuring his real features somewhat. The bartender mostly ignored him, as he was cleaning up the dirty counter, and the other patrons all followed the same rule of don't pry, don't let others see you as Sirius did.

When the door opened and a man stepped in dressed even more oddly than most wizards, wearing what looked like a jacket and leggings made out of buckskins, and a large slightly skanted blue fez, with a golden tassel hanging from it. His hair was white and long, down to his shoulders, and he looked slightly cross-eyed. Sirius guessed at once this was Luna's father, and beckoned him over.

'Ah Stubby, good to see you again,' Mr Lovegood grasped both of Sirius hands, and shook them as he stood by the table.

'Err, yes... take a seat, Mr Lovegood,' Sirius replied.

'Take a seat? Hmm, I think this one would not match the rest of my house. And I doubt old Abe would like it if I ran off with it. No thank you for your offer, I think I will sit down instead. And Stubby, call me Xenophilius, Xeno, or Lord Dinkderdump.'

'Dinker–?' Sirius coughed, then just stared at the strange man.

'Ah that is better,' Xeno sat down, and took a sip of butterbeer from the mug that the bartender had somehow managed to place on the table before anyone noticed.

'Stubby, it's good you're back. The Hobgoblins are still quite popular, and I would like it if you could start touring again. What was it you played again, the theremin was it?'

'Therewhat?' Sirius had no idea what the man was talking about.

'Oh not that? Hmm. Glass armonica? Mandolin? Æolian Wind Harp? Ringflute? Trimeister?'

'No, I don't know any instruments!' Sirius yelled out, then sank back in his seat as briefly the entire bar looked at him.

'No instruments? Oh yes, you are the singer and songwriter. How silly of me to forget. Well in any case Stubby, I will expect you at the Cross-eyed Hag bar in Knockturn Alley this Thursday, around five pm. The band will be most glad to see you again, and you can practice a bit to get back in the flow before your performance at eight. Don't be late now!'

Sirius was sitting there with open mouth. What. The –.

* * *

A/N: This story came to me while I was stuck with my other stories. I have ~3000 words written following this, but it isn't a continuous narrative yet. I hope the missing parts come to me, I think it has good potential to be worked into a fuller story, with Stubby Boardman eventually becoming famous, and rescuing Harry from the Dursleys and Dumbledore. Likely this will be either Lunacy (Luna + Harry) or Lunar Harmony (Luna + Hermione + Harry).


	17. In the morning

**In the morning**

In the morning, he woke up in bed with his wives. He hugged them close, then made sweet love to them, before he got up. He locked the door to his chambers behind him, and went downstairs where his troops were ready for him in the command and control centre.

'Men, no time for speeches. We all know what's at stake,' he simply told them. The scouts reported the enemy was nearly at the gate.

Stiff with tension, they took position near the doors, shielded by overturned furniture and other make-shift barriers. Then the great doors were broken down, and the enemy rushed in.

Casualties were falling at both sides, but they held off the assault. He killed at least a dozen himself, among them the enemy's chief lieutenants. Then the enemy himself appeared, and they were locked in single combat. Just as he finally brought his enemy to the knees, a scream to his left showed one his wives had made it to the combat area, and was now falling lifelessly to the floor. Distraught, he released his hold on the enemy, and was slain in turn.

In the morning, he woke up in bed with his wives. Crying, he hugged his first lover close, and made sweet love to her, then he got up. He locked the door to his chambers behind him, and went downstairs where his troops were ready for him in the command and control centre.

'Men, we cannot simply fight them at the doors. Let's go out and prepare an ambush,' he told his troops. The scouts reported the enemy was nearly at the gate.

Stiff with tension, they swarmed out, and constructed quick booby-traps and cover. The enemy rushed in, and many were slain by the prepared traps before they even made it close. His men were winning the fight... then the enemy himself appeared. They were locked in single combat, but just as he brought his enemy to his knees, a scream behind him showed one of his wives holding his other wife, her throat cut by a traitor in their ranks. Distraught, he let the enemy kill him.

In the morning, he woke up in bed with his wives. He rushed out of bed without even dressing first, and hunted down the traitor. He killed him without warning, in plain sight of the others. Someone screamed, 'Imposter!' and he was killed by friendly fire.

In the morning, he woke up in bed with his wives. He refused to get up, even as they pleaded with him to please do so. There was screaming and yelling from below, and then the door to his chambers was kicked in. The enemy and his troops rushed in, and his wives tried to protect them, but both fell. 'Coward,' spit the enemy at him, and killed him.

In the morning, he woke up in bed with his wives. He hugged and kissed them, and made love to them both, then asked them to please not leave his chambers, as everything was under control. They refused, so he bound them, and locked the door to his chambers, and went downstairs where his troops were ready for him in the command and control centre.

'Men, we can give no quarter. You, you, you, go outside and prepare lethal traps, then rush back in to help defend the castle,' he ordered three of the youngest and fastest.

The enemy approached the gates a little later, and many of their number were killed by the booby-traps before the survivors rushed in. The battle was going well, and the enemy's men fell one by one, taking only a few casualties on the other side. Then the main enemy appeared, and they were locked in single combat. Just as he had brought his enemy to the knees, a shrill laugh drew his attention to the side. One of the enemy's chief lieutenants had unleashed hellish fire straight at the door to his chambers, and he heard his wives scream for their lives as they were being burnt alive. Distraught, he didn't refuse as the enemy killed him.

In the morning, he woke up in bed with his wives. He hugged and kissed them, and they made love. Then he asked them to run. They refused, and he bound them, then asked one of his closest friends to smuggle them out and far away after he went downstairs where his troops were ready for him in the command and control centre.

He gave the order to prepare traps, then took position and awaited the onslaught. The enemy did not appear at first, and he began wondering what was up. Then an evil voice called him from outside. Hesitatingly he spied through a window, and saw his best friend staked outside, with both his wives being raped under the stake by enemy troops. The enemy taunted him, thanking him for sending his troops a present before the battle.

Enraged, he rushed outside, and was killed before he made one step past the doors.

In the morning, he woke up in bed with his wives. He hugged and kissed them, and they made love.

'My loves, please... stay safe. I cannot live without you,' he confided in them. They kissed him back, 'we will be safest at your side love.'

He rejected that, and begged them to stay back, then went downstairs where his troops were ready for him in the command and control centre.

Traps were prepared, and they awaited the enemy. After taking many casualties the enemy troops rushed in, and a battle was fought that went clearly in his favour, no deadly casualties on his side yet but many chief lieutenants dying by his hand.

Then the main enemy appeared, and he prepared for single combat, but the enemy just swatted him to the side, and caused an explosion in the back ranks... straight over the head of his wives. As he watched them get crushed under heavy rock, the enemy killed him.

In the morning, he woke up in bed with his wives. He hugged and kissed them, and they made love.

'My loves, please... stay safe. I cannot live without you,' he confided in them. They kissed him back, 'we will be safest at your side love.'

'Please... be safe,' he begged them, and together they went downstairs where his troops were ready for him in the command and control centre.

Traps were prepared, and they awaited the enemy. After taking many casualties the enemy troops rushed in, and a battle was fought that went clearly in his favour, no deadly casualties on his side yet but many chief lieutenants dying by his hand, or his wives'.

Then the main enemy appeared, and he prepared for single combat, but found his wives would not leave his side. Together, they brought the enemy to his knees.

'Any last words, coward?' he asked the enemy, his wives holding the monster down.

'Go to hell!' bit the enemy back, and he cast the killing curse.

As the green light left his wand tip and hit the evil man straight between his eyes, a cheer went up among his men. The last of the enemy's troops surrendered as their leader was lost, and he smiled back at his wives, then passed out from exhaustion and untreated wounds.

In the morning, he woke up in bed with his wives. He hugged and kissed them, and they made love. He smiled at his two true loves, knowing the struggle was finally over.


	18. Finite, alternate version

A/N: How the first chapter of 'One Misfired Spell Later' could have gone if this was another site.

* * *

**Finite**

'Harry, I read about the most fascinating spell today,' Hermione said. The witch was sitting in the common room, with a copy of 'The Standard Book of Spells, Grade X' on her lap.  
'It's a variant on the General Counter-Spell, and will stop just about any magical effect.'

'Isn't the Counter-spell something we learned back in second-year?'

'Yes, but this is an advanced variant of it. I was studying ahead for some light reading.'

'Light reading? Only you would read advanced text books for fun, Hermione.'

The bushy-haired witch huffed, although a smile was on her face.  
'Never mind that Harry. Help me test it out. You can cast the levitating charm on a pillow, and I will try to use the spell to cancel the effect.'

Harry cast the Hover Charm, 'Levioso', and the indicated pillow rose. Hermione aimed her wand, and carefully said 'Finite!'. A light flashed from her wand tip, but puttered out before it reached the pillow.

'It didn't work, maybe there's a reason this is a fifth year spell,' Harry said.

'Honestly Harry, you didn't expect me to get it on my first attempt did you? Let me try again.'  
Another ' Finite', and another failure.

'Fiddlesticks,' muttered Hermione.

'Did you just say fiddlesticks?' asked an amused Harry.

'Mind your cheek Harry,' Hermione grinned at her friend. 'Let me try once more.'

'Nah let's just give up. It's not going to –'

Hermione cast another 'Finite', just as Harry stood up to grab the pillow. Her wand tip lit up, and a bright light shot from it, into Harry's legs. Suddenly Harry felt a draft, and realised all the girls in the Common Room were looking at him.

'Hermione, what happened?' he looked at his best friend, and saw a line of drool escape her mouth.  
'Lavender? Katie? What is wrong with Hermione?' Harry turned to a group of other girls, and Lavender fainted, while Katie got a similar expression to Hermione on her face. Immediately after, Ginny Weasley just stepped in through the Fat Lady, and let out a loud scream, covering her eyes, but peaking through her fingers.

'Sweet Morgana, that will never fit,' mumbled Hermione.

'Trust me honey, it will not only fit, but feel wonderful,' Angelina Johnson smirked behind her, 'and I call dibs for the second ride.'

'No fair! Third!' yelled Alicia Spinnet, and as Harry looked on bewildered at the girls negotiating numbers, he finally looked down.

'Damn, should not have worn conjured robes and briefs today,' was his last remark before the Gryffindor girls pounced on him.


	19. A half-life

**A half-life.**

Emperor Voldemort ruled over the Magical Empire, currently comprising the British Isles only, as the French wizards proved not to be as cowardly as their Muggle counterparts, and succesfully held off his armies time and time again. He sat on his throne in Hogwarts, and watched the procession of students glad in silver and green only pass by, all pure-blood and a few half-blood students saluting their ruler. The other Houses had been abolished of course when he took power, almost a year ago to the date when his Killing Curse hit Harry Potter and the resistance ended.

Oh the raping and murdering that day had been glorious, as the defenders of Hogwarts met their doom, he thought with a smile. Suddenly a pain shot through him, and he gasped as he reached for his chest.

The teachers of Hogwarts, led by Headmistress Bellatrix Lestrange, as well as the student body, could only look on as their dictator had a heart attack and died.

Voldemort woke in a white misty area.

'What's this? I am immortal! You don't know who you are dealing with!' he ranted at the nothing.

'Tom Marvolo Riddle, born December 31 1926 to Merope Gaunt, this is your Doom,' a booming voice sounded in reply. Before Voldemort's eyes, the mist thickened and began to take form, changing into a copy of the Hogwarts Great Hall that had served as his throne room. Seated at the High Table, in his own throne, was a hooded figure.

'I demand you tell me where I am!' Voldemort ranted, padding himself for the Elder Wand but not finding it.

'Looking for this Tom?' the figure stood up, holding the Elder Wand in his hand. 'It is time it was returned to me. This, Tom, is your judgement.'

'I will make you eat your entrails! That name is meaningless to me. I am Lord Voldemort!'

The figure waved his wand, and the words 'I am Lord Voldemort' floated up, then reassembled themselves into 'Tom Marvolo Riddle', in a copy of what the Horcrux echo had done in the Chamber of Secrets years ago.

'It has fallen to me to pass final judgement,' the figure said. 'And your sentence is hell.'

'No! No! No!' Voldemort raged. 'I am immortal! Nobody can kill me!'

'Hang on, this isn't working,' the figure suddenly said in a different voice, and took off the hood of his robe. Voldemort's jaw dropped when he saw revealed there Harry Potter.

'But... you're dead! I killed you myself, before I slaughtered your mudblood and blood traitor friends!'

'Yes Tom, I am dead,' Harry said with a frown on his face. 'But you forget one thing... I am the Master of Death.'

'But I killed you!' Voldemort ranted again, 'and I took your cloak and the Resurrection Stone, that makes me its master!'

'So you did kill me. That doesn't matter, once I became its master... or rather its servant... that was final. Did you never wonder these past few months why the Stone would not work for you?'

'Very well Potter,' Voldemort calmed down. 'Say I believe you. What are we doing here?'

'Well in my case, turns out being Master of Death means you've to take on the role of the Grim Reaper after your death. I really wish someone had warned me, I keep getting pulled out of paradise to deal with scum like you.

'As for you, you're not that bright are you?' Harry smirked. 'You, Tom, are dead. Demised. Stiff. Bereft of life. Resting in peace. Pushing up the daisies. Off the twig. You have kicked the bucket. You've shuffled the mortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined the choir invisible.

You, Tom, are an ex-Wizard!' Harry laughed out loud.

Voldemort stumbled, and fell into a chair that thoughtfully popped up behind him.

'How can this be,' he muttered to himself, 'my Horcruxes? I was supposed to be immortal.'

'Tom, Tom, Tom. You are an imbecile.' Harry stood up, and walked over to the distraught Dark Lord. 'Yes, your Horcruxes meant your soul would not pass on if you were killed before your time. But if they brought immortality, don't you think we'd be having Herpo the Foul and all the other Dark Lords and Ladies of the past that made one skulking about?'

'I thought, they were gone because all their Horcruxes had been destroyed...'

'No Tom, they're gone because their life was over. As it is in your case.' Harry sounded somewhat sympathetic, as he laid his hand on Voldemort's shoulder.

'But I am a Wizard! I am supposed to live to at least one hundred and fifty! This cannot be, I am not even eighty years old, I should be in the prime of my life still!'

'You're forgetting one thing Tom. Let me remind you.'

Harry waved his wand, and the voice of Firenze the centaur sounded out of nowhere.

_'It is a monstrous thing, to slay a unicorn. Only one who has nothing to lose, and everything to gain, would commit such a crime. The blood of a unicorn will keep you alive, even if you are an inch from death, but at a terrible price. You have slain something pure and defenceless to save yourself, and you will have but a half-life, a cursed life, from the moment the blood touches your lips.'_

'You, Tom, willingly killed several unicorns and used their blood to survive while you were taking over the body of Quirinus Quirrel. What did you think a _half-life_ meant?'

'I... I always thought it was a metaphor,' Voldemort answered reluctantly. 'So it is over? I only get half of my life span?'

'That's more than you gave others, including me,' Harry answered. He put his hood back on.

'Time to get this over with,' the deep booming voice returned. 'Tom Marvolo Riddle, for your crimes, which are too numerous to count, you are sentenced to hell. Any last words before I send you off to your final reward?'

'What... what will happen to my legacy, to my Empire?'

'Not even interested in what happens to your followers? Typical.' Harry waved his wand, and a mirror resembling the Mirror of Erised appeared, but this one had 'Secneu Qesno Cehttu Becaf Ruo Yton Woshi' enscribed on the top.

Voldemort looked in, and saw his dead body in the Hogwarts Great Hall, then the mirror blurred and scenes rapidly shot by.

_Bellatrix Lestrange and Lucius Malfoy were in a duel, ending with Malfoy dead, and Lestrange putting on a crown, sitting on Voldemort's throne._

_Lestrange was killed by Dolohov, who put on the crown._

_Dolohov was murdered by someone else, who was murdered by someone else, until nobody could be seen wearing the crown, and Hogwarts appeared abandoned._

_Hit-wizards and Aurors wearing French, German, Dutch, Italian and other robes appearing on the streets of London, and taking down Death Eaters and British Aurors with force._

_The Ministry being overrun, and Voldemort's puppets imprisoned._

_A series of trials, ending with his loyal Death Eaters getting the Dementor's Kiss._

_And finally, at the end, a memorial being placed in Diagon Alley, a statue of Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasly, towering over a crouched Voldemort. And before the statue a pair of clearly Muggle parents were walking with their children, shopping for the Muggleborn student's magical school supplies._

'It was all for nothing?' Voldemort would have cried, had he not been so reptilian as to have lost the capability.

'It was,' Harry said, and Voldemort was sucked into a suddenly appearing black abyss.

Harry sighed, and disappeared from the temporary limbo, appearing at an inviting path leading up to a white picket fence. He stepped through it, and walked up to the small house, entering the door.

'Hermione, I'm home. How are the kids?' he called out, as he hung up his cloak.

In paradise, all was well.


	20. The Fight

**The Fight**

Lavender Brown, sixth year Gryffindor student, entered her House common room to find the two most famous sixth year students were in another shouting match.

'You're a cheater and a liar, Harry! You may have Professor Slughorn fooled, but I see right through you!' yelled Hermione.

'You just can't handle not being the top student for once! So I am better than you, learn to deal with it! It's not cheating, it's being smart!'

Other Gryffindors looked on, some amused, some annoyed.  
'How long have they been at it?' asked Lavender of her best friend Parvati.

'An hour or so,' the Indian beauty replied. 'There was a test in NEWT Potions, and Harry got an Outstanding... Hermione barely scraped Exceeds Expectations.'

Lavender frowned.

'You're always nagging, and worship authority, you... you –' Harry stalled for a moment, and Lavender threw in, 'frigid'.  
'Yeah! You frigid, authority worshipping nag!' Harry shot a victorious look at Hermione.

'Oh yeah? Well you're an underachieving, reckless, erm...' Lavender had another suggestion, 'virgin.'.  
'You're a lazy, virgin, imbecile!' Hermione placed her hands on her hips, and glared at Harry.

'I bet Hermione has not even had a real kiss yet,' Lavender remarked in a loud tone to Parvati.

'Yeah Hermione, how is it being almost an adult and never been kissed? Want to be an old maid?' Harry said in a cruel tone.

'Then again, Harry wouldn't know what to do with a girl even if she threw herself at him,' Lavender's next point to Parvati was.

'As if you're so great, little virgin boy Harry Potter! Aren't you ashamed, sixteen and the only kisses you ever had were on the cheek?'

'And they're probably both extremely ignorant when it comes to sex. Hard to tell which of the two has even less of a clue,' Lavender said to a scandalised Parvati.

'I bet you couldn't even get it up Harry!'

'Oh yeah? I bet you wouldn't even know where it is supposed to go!'

'Right! That's it!' Hermione looked furious, then suddenly stepped forward, and grabbed Harry, none too gently, by the arm and began dragging him up the boy's dormitory stairs.  
'We're having a contest Potter. First to come, loses.'

'Smart move by Hermione, with boys having less control,' Lavender said in a loud tone again.

'On one condition Hermione, we make it best out of five,' Harry amended the rules, as he was struggling against her.

'Deal,' Hermione said with a maniacal grin, and held out her hand.

'Deal,' Harry shook it, looking just as crazed, and the two disappeared up the stairs into Harry's dormitory room.

'Did... did you just trick those two into giving up their virginity to each other?' Parvati looked at Lavender, amazed. Lavender smiled in reply.  
'Why?' Parvati was looking up the stairs, along with many other Gryffindors, few of them believing what had just happened.

'Simple. They're both being insufferable prats this year, and we both know Hermione has had a crush on him since first year. And if she's busy getting her brains screwed out by Harry, she'll keep her claws off of my Won-won.'

It was not just Parvati that was staring in awe at Lavender now.

–-

Much, much later, a nearly exhausted Harry and Hermione were lying intertwined on Harry's bed. 'What's the score Harry?' Hermione said with a small giggle, her head resting on Harry's chest.

'I've no idea... I lost track after the fourth or fifth time to be honest,' the wizard replied. He was slowly running his hand over Hermione's shapely rear.

'I'm sorry I was being such an insufferable bitch Harry,' Hermione admitted. 'I was just scared after the Ministry fight, and don't want to get hurt again.'

Harry lifted her head up a little so they could look eye to eye. 'I'm sorry as well. I will stop using the Prince's book if you want.'

'No, keep using it Harry. You deserve to be a good Potioneer. But maybe we can share?'

'I'd like that,' Harry smiled, and kissed the bushy-haired witch.

Hermione broke off the kiss with a giggle. 'Feels like you're ready for another round... shall we?'

* * *

A/N: UST in Harry Potter? Oh yeah, but not between Ron and Hermione. If any two characters were beating around the bush for too long, it's the only proper pairing. All they needed was just a little push...


	21. A Sorting

**A Sorting**

The little girl sat down on the stool and the stern teacher placed the big hat on her. It fell over her face, covering her up to her nose. The little nose in question wrinkled in disgust at the smell, some of the children preceding her evidently had never heard of shampoo.

'Mmm, what do we have here?' suddenly a voice sounded.

'He– Hello?' she spoke up.

'No need to speak out loud dear, this is all in your mind.'

'Are you... the hat?'

'The Sorting Hat? Why yes, I am. Now let me take a good look at you, see where you should be sorted.'

'Gryffindor, with Harry Potter please,' she thought back.

'My girl, this is your sorting, not that of Harry Potter. And you are definitely not suited for Gryffindor. Mmm... not too bad an intellect, maybe a Ravenclaw?'

'Gryffindor, Gryffindor, Gryffindor,' she mentally chanted.

'Not happening, I am the Hat and I make the decision here,' the Hat "spoke", and somehow she knew it was frowning.

'Yes Ravenclaw would work. Hufflepuff? No... you do like to do your work, but for you it's a goal to an end, not a goal in itself. And while you do like to help others, it is only as long as they are willing to follow your command.  
'Huh... so there _is_ a bit of the commander, the leader in you.'

'So put me in Gryffindor already, as I asked,' the girl got a smug look on her face.

'Not quite yet... I still think you'd be better suited for Ravenclaw. But oooh... what's this? You plan to change the world to your liking? Such ambition hidden inside you, no I think it had better be Sly–'

'You finish that thought, and I come back with matches and oil!'

'You wouldn't... oh no, you would. But my dear girl, please listen. Do you even know what the four Houses stand for?'

'Yes. Slytherin is where the evil children go, Hufflepuff is for the underachievers and the lazy, Ravenclaw is for the socially awkward and the nerds, and Gryffindor is for the leaders and the brave. So I want Gryffindor.'

'Whoever filled your head with such garbage? Oh wait, there it is. "Hogwarts: a History"... I should have known. More like, "Hogwarts: a shit story".'

'Language!' the girl's eyes opened wide, not that anyone could see.

'Apologies my dear, but that book is, I cannot put it any other way, garbage. Batty Bagshot was a crazy bint even during her school days, a more Gryffindor witch you'll never find. So sure of her own superiority was she that she deemed all other Houses beneath her, and even looked down on her fellow Gryffindors.  
'No dear, that book is nonsense and you should not listen to it. So can we get on with it yet and will you allow me to sort you properly?'

'Yes Mr Hat, so put me in Gryffindor so you can sort the rest.'

'Argh!' The girl knew the hat would be pulling out its hair, had it some. 'Am I speaking Welsh again? I mean, I know Godric was from what we now call Cornwall and Rowena from Pictland, but the spells they put in me would make sure I always spoke the native language of whatever witch or wizard's head I would be placed upon.'

'No Mr Hat, I can perfectly understand you,' the girl said. A slight smile appeared on her lips.

'Thank you dear,' the hat sighed. 'Very well, I can see your objection to Slytherin. With your family history and the current state of the House, perhaps we'll skip it.  
'Hufflepuff, no I am sure that House is wrong for you.'

'Thank you.'

'You're welcome. So that leaves us with your future House, Raven–'

'Gryffindor!'

'Will you let me finish all ready! You are not impulsive, you are not reckless, you are not a bully, you are only a bit of a leader.  
'But you, my dear, are one of the smartest witches I have seen in years. You like reading, you like learning for learning itself, and you are capable of leaps of logic. Rowena would have been proud to have you as her apprentice.'

'Thank you Mr Hat.'

'You're welcome. As such, your natural home is in the House of the Intelligent.'

'But that's not the House of Harry Potter.'

'I fail to see the relevance.'

'Well let's look at it another way, shall we?'

'Gladly. You have thus far failed to convince me of why I should sort you in a House you are not suited for.'

'Consider this, Mr Hat. You sort me into Ravenclaw. Over the next few years my leadership skills come to play, and I take control of the House. Upon graduation, as I am "just" a Ravenclaw, I will not be able to become Minister for Magic, and my best option will be to join the Ministry as a researcher in the Unspeakables. You know I will not settle for that.'

'True,' the Hat admitted, 'but still, there are other options.'

'Quite. One such option, and I believe the most likely one, is that I will become a Dark Lady. With my intellect, and my crew of followers I will have cultivated as the natural leader of Ravenclaw, I will be able to take over Wizarding Britain in no time, and soon after that, the Muggle side as well.'

'You... you wouldn't. You don't have such cruelty in you, or I would have sorted you into Slytherin immediately.'

'Thank you for that admission, I was wondering why the most evil students ended up in that House,' the girl said with a smug tone.

'It doesn't work like that,' the Hat sulked.

'Any way... no I won't start killing left and right, but I _will_ overthrow society and rebuild it according to how I think is best. And no large scale societal revolution, even one with the best intent, is fully bloodless.'

'Hmmpf. Suppose I accept that, and I must admit, your psyche does suggest it is plausible, why would that convince me to sort you into Gryffindor? At the moment, I feel more for Slytherin again.'

'Oh Mr Hat, we both know if I ended up in Slytherin, there would be student deaths before my fifth year.'

The Hat somehow sighed, 'True.'

'Well, if you sort me into Gryffindor House, I will become a friend of Harry Potter. He will need my guidance to survive, and as such I will become his beacon in life even as caring for him will become my main focus. Therefore after I graduate, I will still be focused on him, and likely become his wife. I will become the power behind the throne, so to speak, as I guide Harry to begin the revolution I would otherwise have started on my own.'

'But that would lead to the same result. By your own words, no revolution is fully bloodless.'

'True, but whereas one lead by me as a Dark Lady would mean anyone who disagreed would probably end up either in prison or in a grave, with Harry Potter, heir to the Ancient and Most Noble House of Potter leading it, the group most likely to oppose a Ravenclaw Dark Lady will instead be more than willing to join up with the Lord Potter. The only victims in this revolution will be those that are actively harmful for society.  
'I believe you tend to sort those into Slytherin.'

'Not fully correct, all Houses have their rotten apples, and Slytherin has multiple students who really are focused on their ambition, without being evil.'

'Still, you know I am right.'

'I'm afraid you have convinced me. So that is the final word then? No to Ravenclaw?'

'I don't suppose you could make it so I still have access to their Common Room? The private library sounds delightful.'

'No my dear, that is not possible. I'm very afraid you will be the downfall of –'

'GRYFFINDOR', the Hat shouted out loud, and the little girl took off the Hat, and walked to her new seat.


End file.
